英語幽默小故事10篇
英語幽默小故事(1)
1
Mr. Jones had a few days’ holiday, so he said, “I’m going to go to the mountains by train.” He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the station and got on the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind pulled his hat off.
Mr. Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the window too.
The other people in the carriage laughed. “Is your bag going to bring your beautiful hat back?” they asked.
“No,” Mr. Jones answered, “but there’s no name and no address in my hat, and there’s a name and address on the bag. Someone’s going to find both of them near each other, and he’s going to send me the bag and the hat.”
瓊斯先生有幾天的假期，所以他說，“我要去山上的火車。”他穿上他最好的衣服，拿了一個小袋子，去了火車站，上了火車。他有一頂漂亮的帽子，他經常把他的頭伸出車窗去看山。但是風把他的帽子。瓊斯先生很快把他的舊袋子，把它扔出窗外。車廂里的人都笑了。“難道你的包會把你的漂亮的帽子帶回來嗎？“他們問。“不，”瓊斯先生回答說，“但是沒有名字和地址在我的帽子上，并且有一個名字和地址的包。有人會發現它們，并且他將我的包和帽子給我。”
2
An old lady went out shopping last Tuesday. She came to a bank and saw a car near the door. A man got out of it and went into the bank. She looked into the car. The keys were in the lock.
The old lady took the keys and followed the man into the bank.
The man took a gun out of his pocket and said to the clerk, “Give me all the money.”
But the old lady did not see this. She went to the man, put the keys in his hand and said, “Young man, you’re stupid! Never leave your keys in your car: someone’s going to steal it!”
The man looked at the old woman for a few seconds. Then he looked at the clerk—and then he took his keys, ran out of the bank, got into his car and drove away quickly, without any money.
一位老太太出去購物上周二。她來到銀行，看見一輛汽車門附近。一個男人走出來，進了銀行。她看著車。鑰匙在鎖。老太太把鑰匙跟著那人進了銀行。那個男人從口袋里掏出一把槍，對店員說，“給我所有的錢。”不過老太太不見。她去的人，把鑰匙放在他手上，說，“年輕人，你是愚蠢的！永遠不會離開你的車鑰匙：有人去偷！“男人看著老太太幾秒鐘。然后他看著clerk-and然后他把他的鑰匙，跑到銀行，上了他的車，很快開走了，沒有任何的錢。”
3
Mary was an English girl, but she lived in Rome. She was six years old. Last year her mother said to her, “You’re six years old now, Mary, and you’re going to begin going to a school here. You’re going to like it very much, because it’s a nice school.”
“Is it an English school?” Mary asked.“Yes, it is,” her mother said.
Mary went to the school, and enjoyed her lessons. Her mother always took her to school in the morning and brought her home in the afternoon. Last Monday her mother went to the school at 4 o’clock, and Mary ran out of her class.
“We’ve got a new girl in our class today, Mummy,” she said. “She’s six years old too, and she’s very nice, but she isn’t English. She’s German.”
“Does she speak English?” Mary’s mother asked.“No, but she laughs in English,” Mary said happily.
瑪麗是一個英國女孩，但她住在羅馬。她六歲。去年她媽媽對她說，“你六歲了，瑪麗，你要開始去學校嗎。你會很喜歡它，因為它是一個很好的學校。”“這是一個英語學校？“瑪麗問。“是的，是的，”她母親說。瑪麗去學校，享受她的課。她的母親經常帶她到學校在上午和下午接她回家。上周一她媽媽去學校在四點的時候，瑪麗跑到她的課。“我們已經有了一個新的女孩在我們班今天，媽媽，”她說。“她六歲了，而且她很漂亮，但她不是英國人。她是德國人。”她會說英語嗎？“瑪麗的媽媽問。“不，但她笑著說英語，”瑪麗高興地說。
4
Mrs. Jones did not have a husband, but she had two sons. They were big, strong boys, but they were lazy. On Saturdays they did not go to school, and then their mother always said, “Please cut the grass in the garden this afternoon, boys.” The boys did not like it, but they always did it.
Then somebody gave one of the boys a magazine, and they saw a picture of a beautiful lawn-mower in it. There was a seat on it, and there was a woman on the seat.
The boy took the picture to his mother and brother and said to them, “Look, that woman’s sitting on the lawn-mower and driving it and cutting the grass. We want one of those.”
“One of those lawn-mowers?” his mother asked. “No,” the boy said. “We want one of those women. Then she can cut grass every week.”
瓊斯太太沒有丈夫，但她有兩個兒子。他們是大的，強壯的男孩，但是他們很懶惰。在星期六他們不去上學，然后他們的媽媽總是說，“請把花園里的草今天下午，男孩。”男孩們不喜歡它，但他們總是這樣做。于是有人給了一個男孩雜志，他們看到了一幅美麗的割草機，在它。有一個座位上，有一個女人，在座位上。那男孩把照片傳到自己的母親和弟弟，對他們說，“看，那女的坐在草坪割草機和駕駛它和割草。我們想要的。”“其中一個剪草機？“他的媽媽問。“不，”男孩說。“我們想要一個這樣的女人。然后她每星期可割的草。”
5
One of Harry’s feet was bigger and the other. “I can never find boots and shoes for my feet,” he said to his friend Dick.
“Why don’t you go to a shoemaker?” Dick said. “A good one can make you the right shoes.”
“I’ve never been to a shoemaker,” Harry said. “Aren’t they very expensive?”
“No,” Dick said,
“some of them aren’t. There’s a good one in our village, and he’s quite cheap. Here’s his address.” He wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Harry.
Harry went to the shoemaker in Dick’s village a few days later, and the shoemaker made him some shoes.
Harry went to the shop again a week later and looked at the shoes. Then he said to the shoemaker angrily, “You’re a silly man! I said, ‘Make one shoe bigger than the other,’ but you’ve made one smaller than the other!”
哈利的一個更大的腳。“我從來找不到適合我腳的鞋，”他說他的朋友迪克。“你為什么不去參加一個鞋匠嗎？“迪克說。“好一個能讓你穿著合適的鞋子。”“我從來沒有去過一個鞋匠，”哈利說。“他們不是很貴嗎？““不，”迪克說，“他們不是。有一個很好的人在我們的社區，和他很便宜。這是他的住址。”他在一張紙上寫字，給了哈利。哈利去鞋匠在迪克村幾天后，和鞋匠做了他一些鞋。哈利去了商店一周之后再看鞋。然后他對鞋匠生氣地說，“你是一個愚蠢的人！我說，‘讓一只鞋比其他，但你做了一個比另一個更小！“
英語幽默小故事(2)
英語幽默小故事：
認錯 It’s Good to Admit a Fault
John is not a “good” student. He always sleeps in the class. Today he sleeps again.
“John!” Teacher says angrily.
“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.
“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom. Look! Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.
“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.
“No, it’s not me. I was not making a face. I was sleeping.” John fells upset.
“Um. Not bad. You can admit your fault. You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.
英語幽默小故事：女士優先Lady First
A teacher asked her class: "Is the sentence " The ox and the cow are in the fields" correct?" Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right!" And only one little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."
女士優先一位老師問班上的學生：”公牛和母牛在田里“這個句子對嗎？” 大多數學生回答說：“對，一點不錯。” 只有一個小男孩說：“不對，應該先說女士。”
英語幽默小故事：畫蛇添足 Adding Feet to a Snake
One day, Mr. Lion holds a party. Many animals come and drink a lot of wine. At last there is a pot of wine. Who can drink it? They drink out an idea and decide to have a match-Draw a snake. If you finish first, you can get it.Soon Mr.Wolf finishes drawing. “Yeah, I’ve finished. I’m No.1,” he says. But he draws again and says, “Oh, let me add feet and my snake.” At the time, Mr. Gorilla also finishes. He takes away the pot of wine and drinks, then he says, “That isn’t a snake. Snakes have no feet. I get the wine.”
畫蛇添足一天， 獅子先生舉行一場聚會，許多動物都來了，他們喝很多酒。最后只剩一壺酒了。讓誰喝呢？它們想了想，有個主意。它們比賽畫蛇，誰最快畫好，誰就喝這壺酒。不一會，狼先生畫好了。“哈，我畫好了，我是第一個。”它說。可是它又畫了起來，它還說：“再給它加幾只腳吧。”這是猩猩先生也畫好了。它拿起那酒壺喝起來。一邊喝一邊說：“那不是蛇，蛇是沒有腳的，我贏了這壺酒。”
英語幽默小故事：我不想走路回家 I Don’t Want to Walk Home
Tom is a very old man. After dinner, he likes walking in the street. And he goes to bed at seven o’clock.But tonight, a car stopped at his house. A policeman helps him get out. He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street. He asked me to take him in the car.”After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night. But tonight you can’t find the way, what’s the matter?”The old man smiles like a child and says, “I couldn’t find my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”
我不想走回家湯姆是一位老人，他喜歡在晚飯后到大街上散步，在7點回來睡覺。但是，今天晚上一輛小汽車停在他家門前，湯姆在一位警察的幫助下走下汽車。警察告訴湯姆的妻子：“這位老人在街上迷路了，他讓我用汽車送他回來。”警察走后：“湯姆，你每天都到那條街上散步，但是今天你迷路了，你怎么了？”這位老人像孩子般的笑道：“我迷路了？我是不想走路回家。”
英語幽默小故事：十塊糖 Ten Candies
Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”“Ten.” Jim says.“Then,” Mother asks.“Yes, Mum. Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach. Four and six is ten, isn’t it right?”十塊糖媽媽問兒子：“吉姆， 如果你有10塊糖，吃了4塊，那你還有幾塊糖？”“10塊。”吉姆說。“10塊？”媽媽問。“是的，媽媽。因為4塊在我的肚子里面，6塊在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不對嗎？”
英語幽默小故事：明天早上數 Count Tomorrow Morning
It’s a right. John is looking at the sky.Tom is John’s younger brother. He asks John “What are you doing?”John says, “I’m counting stars.”Tom laughs and says, “It’s really dark now. Why not count them tomorrow morning?”明天早上數這是一個晚上。約翰抬頭看著天空。湯姆是約翰的弟弟。他問約翰：“你在干什么？”約翰說：“我在數星星。”湯姆笑著說：“現在天空太黑了。你為什么不等到明天早上再數呢？”
英語幽默小故事：遲到的原因The Reason of Being Lateeacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, "School -- Go Slow".遲到的原因老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到？約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校－緩行’。
看故事學英語：笨鳥先飛The early bird catches the worm
A bird hatches six baby birds.The Sixth is very weak and small; his sisters and brothers usually bully him.The other birds usually rob food from his mouth, and the Sixth has to suffer from hunger.樹上一只鳥媽媽孵出了六只鳥寶寶，小六又瘦又小，哥哥姐姐們都欺負它；經常從它嘴里搶蟲子，小六只得餓著肚子。
Sisters and Brothers call him “clumsy bird.”哥哥姐姐們都叫他“小笨鳥”。
He determines to exercise more to be healthier, in order to not be laughed by his sisters and brothers. 于是他決心鍛煉好身體，讓哥哥姐姐們不再嘲笑自己。
The Sixth has a strong will and gets up very early every day.He always finishes exercising and eating worms by the time his sisters and brothers wake up.他志氣非常大，每天都起得很早，等哥哥姐姐們醒來，他已經跑完步，吃了蟲子了。
When the winter is coming and the bird flock prepare to fly to the south, the “clumsy bird” is the first one to start flying.冬天到了，鳥群要南飛了；小笨鳥是鳥群中第一個飛往南方的。
【文化鏈接】
“笨鳥先飛”比喻了那些“本身資質可能稍遜于他人，但是靠加倍的努力趕上甚至是超過了別人”的人，英語中有一個意義相近的短語叫做“The early bird catches the worm.”,意思就是“早起的鳥兒有蟲吃”，但是它并不強調這早起的鳥就是“笨鳥”，更多的強調了“勤能補拙”的意思。
所以，如果有一天你很早起床去學校，朋友很驚訝，問你：“Why are you so early？”那你就可以回答：“To catch worm.”（也就是自己把自己比喻成了“early bird”~）
看故事學英語：滴水穿石
persistence/Constant dripping of water wears away the stone.
One day, Zhang Guaiya (the county magistrate) was patrolling the government buildings.一天，宋朝縣令張乖崖在衙門周圍巡行。
He saw a minor official come out from the money vault hurriedly.看到一個小吏慌慌張張地從錢庫中走出來。
Zhang Guaiya stopped him and asked, "Why are you in such a hurry?"張乖崖把他喊住問：“你這么慌慌張張干什么?”
"No reason." the officer answered.“沒什么。”那小吏回答說。
Zhang Guaiya recalled the things stolen from the money vault recently. He ordered the guards to search the officer.張乖崖聯想到最近錢庫經常失竊，便讓隨從對他進行搜查。
Consequently, there was a copper piece found in the officer’s headband.結果，在頭巾里搜到一枚銅錢。
Zhang Guaiya asked him how much more money he had stolen. The officer refused to admit that he stole any additional money. Zhang Guaiya ordered that the officer be tortured.張乖崖問他一共偷了多少錢，小吏不承認另外偷過錢，張乖崖便下令拷打。
The officer didn’t give in and said, “It’s nothing to steal just a copper piece. Could it be that you can kill me?” 小吏不服說：“ 偷了一枚銅錢有什么了不起，難道你還能殺了我？”
Zhang Guaiya was very angry and sent him to be executed.”張乖崖十分憤怒，就把他押到刑場斬首示眾。
He said to all the people, "Constant dripping of water wears away the stone, let alone stealing everyday."并對所有人說：“水滴不停的滴，就能把石頭滴穿，更不用說是每天偷盜了。”
【文化鏈接】
“滴水穿石”現在常用來比喻“雖然力量小，但只要目標專一，持之以恒，就一定能把艱難的事情辦成”，簡單來說也就是“毅力”二字，英語中可用“persistence”來表達，這是一個名詞，所以如果想要表達“持之以恒做什么事”的時候，就可以用“persist to do sth”，我們來一起看兩個例句：
As long as we persist to work hard, we can succeed just as constantly dripping water can wear away stone.
只要我們堅持努力，總會滴水穿石，取得成功。
Study requires the acquisition of knowledge and persistence. Just as dripping water wears away stone constant effort will help us to achieve good marks.
學習要有恒心和積累，滴水穿石，才能取得好成績。
看故事學英語：如魚得水to feel just like a fish in water
In the late Eastern Han Dynasty, the country was in confusion.東漢末年，天下大亂。
In order to reunite the country, Liu Bei paid a visit to Zhu Geliang who had hidden himself in the countryside.劉備為統一天下，特意拜訪隱居的諸葛亮尋求幫助。
He went there twice but didn"t see Zhu Geliang. Then the third time he finally met him. 他連去了兩次都沒見到諸葛亮，第三次才見到了他。
Liu Bei explained why he came and explained his noble ambition to Zhu Geliang.Zhu Geliang also proposed some very good strategies.劉備說明來意，并暢談了自己的宏圖大志。諸葛亮也提出了周詳的戰略方針。
After listening, Liu Bei was so happy, he appointed Zhu Geliang as his military advisor.He said: "Zhu Geliang to me is as water is to fish."劉備聽后大喜，于是立諸葛亮為軍師。他說：“我劉備有了諸葛亮，就好像魚兒有了水一樣。”
With the assistance of Zhu Geliang, Liu Bei"s power expanded rapidly, and finally he realized his goal.劉備在諸葛亮的幫助下，勢力不斷擴大，最終實現了目標。
Nowadays, this phrase is often used to describe the person who stays in the environment which suits him/her perfectly, or someone who is very adept at using the suitable or right methods.如今,這個短語常常被用來形容一個人處在完全適合自己的環境中，或者一個人能夠熟練地應用合適的或正確的方法。
【文化鏈接】
“如魚得水”用英文可以表達為“feel just like a fish in water”，我們來看一個例句：
I"ve wanted to study at Beijing University my whole life. I also love the culture and the weather in Beijing. I feel just like a fish in water.去北京大學學習是我一生的夢想。我還喜歡北京的文化氣氛和天氣。我在北京簡直就是如魚得水。
看故事學英語：指鹿為馬call black white (and white black)
In Qin dynasty, there was a powerful and evil counselor named Zhao Gao.在秦朝，有個很得勢的奸臣叫趙高。
Zhao Gao wanted to rebel, but he didn"t know how many people in the court would stand by his side.趙高想造反，但是又不知道群臣中有多少人會支持他。
So he worked out a way to test the people.于是他想了個辦法來測試。
He presented a deer as a tribute to the emperor in front of the court, and said that it was a swift horse.他在群臣面前送了一頭鹿給皇上，并說這是一匹千里馬。
The emperor not accepting his statement said, "This is obviously a deer."皇上不信，說“這明明是鹿啊。”
Then, Zhao Gao took this opportunity to ask the court, "Is this a deer or a horse?"然后趙高借機問各位大臣，“這是鹿還是馬？”
In the court, those who didn"t dare to go against Zhao Gao agreed with him and said that it was a horse, those who dared to go against Zhao Gao said that it was a deer.在大臣中，不敢反抗趙高的都贊同說是馬，敢于反對趙高的說是鹿。
Later, Zhao Gao remembered the counselors who didn"t agree with him and persecuted them to solidify his power.后來，趙高記住了這些反對他的人并加以迫害，以鞏固自己的勢力。
This story is still popular even today. People use this idiom to describe someone who calls white black.這個故事流傳至今，人們用這個成語來形容一個人顛倒黑白。
【文化鏈接】
英語中表達“指鹿為馬”意思的短語可以用“call black white (and white black)”，意思也就是“把黑的當白的，把白的當作黑的”，這樣也就是顛倒是非啦~
看故事學英語：對牛彈琴cast pearls before swine
During the Warring States Period, there was a musician named Gongming Yi, who played musical instruments very well.戰國時代，有一個叫公明儀的音樂家，他很會彈琴。
There were a great number of people fond of listening to him play, and respected him very much.很多人都喜歡聽他彈琴，人們很敬重他。
One day, Gongming Yi saw a cow when he was having fun in the countryside.一天，公明儀在郊外游玩時，看到了一頭牛。
He thought, "Everybody compliments my music. Why don"t I play some music for this cow?"他想：大家都贊揚我的琴技，不如我給牛也彈一曲吧!
He played a piece of elegant quaint music for the cow, but the cow just kept grazing the grass with its head down.他給牛彈奏了一曲古雅的曲子，牛埋頭吃草不理他。
He played another piece of joyful music, but the cow still kept its head down to graze the grass and totally ignored him.他又彈奏了一曲歡快的曲子，牛依然埋頭吃草不理他。
Gongming Yi was so disappointed and started to question his ability.公明儀拿出自己的全部本領， 結果牛還是不理他。公明儀非常失望，開始懷疑自己的琴技。
A passerby said to him,"It"s not because your ability is bad. It is because the cow can not understand music at all."路人說：“不是你彈的琴不好，而是牛根本聽不懂啊!”
【文化鏈接】
“對牛彈琴”現在常用來比喻對愚人談論高深的道理，白費口舌，英文中可以用“cast pearls before swine”來表達相應的意思，也就是“即使把珍珠丟到豬的面前，豬也不會珍惜在意”,同時也頗有“明珠暗投”的意味。來一起看一個例句：
Don"t waste your time and breath. It"s not worth casting pearls before swine!
別浪費你的時間和精力了，不值得和他對牛彈琴！
看故事學英語：孔融讓梨Kong Rong gave away bigger pears
In the Eastern Han Dynasty, there was a person called Kong Rong. He was very smart ever since he was a little boy. He had five older brothers and one younger brother.
東漢時候，有個叫孔融的人。他小時候很聰明，有五個哥哥，一個弟弟。
One day his father bought some pears, picking one of the largest and giving it to Kong Rong deliberately. But Kong Rong shook his head and picked up the smallest one.
一天爸爸買了一些梨子，特意撿了一個最大的給孔融，孔融卻搖頭不要，拿了一個最小的梨。
His dad was very curious, and asked: “Why?”
爸爸很好奇，就問：“為什么呢？”
Kong Rong said: “I am younger, so I should eat the smaller pear, and brothers should eat the bigger ones.”
孔融說：“我年紀小，我吃小梨，大的給哥哥吃。”
His dad was very glad after hearing his words, but asked further: “What about your younger brother who is younger than you are?”
爸爸聽后很高興，又問：“那弟弟比你還小呀？”
Kong Rong said: “I am older than him, so I should leave the bigger one to my little brother.”
孔融說：“我比弟弟大，我是哥哥，我應該把大的留給小弟弟吃。”
Later, Kong Rong became a great scholar.
后來，孔融成為了一個很有學問的人。
【文化鏈接】
“孔融讓梨”這個故事告訴我們，凡事應該懂得謙讓的禮儀，英語中表達“謙讓謙遜”等意思可以用“modest”，有一句叫做“Modest is Hottest”，也就是“謙虛最迷人”~
看故事學英語：得寸進尺go too far
During the late Zhanguo period, there were seven kingdoms on the mainland of China. Among the seven kingdoms, the Qin kingdom was the most powerful one. The ruler of Qin wanted to conquer the other kingdoms to be the ruler of all.戰國末期，七雄爭霸。其中秦國最強大，并圖謀統一天下。The Emperor of Qin intended to attack the Qi kingdom by going through the kingdoms of Han and Wei.秦昭王準備越過韓、魏兩國打齊國。But his subordinate Fan Ju said: "The Qi kingdom is still powerful now and far away from our kingdom.但策士范雎說：“現在齊國勢力還算是強大，但離秦國很遠。Even if we win the battle, we must guard the land of Qi by passing through the kingdoms of Han and Wei.即使打勝了，也必須越過韓、魏兩國才能到達，很難守住。What if we slowly expand the amount of land we control from here? So we can firmly control every inch of land we conquer. And in the end we will be the ruler."
所以不如慢慢向外拓展，這樣所得的每一寸一尺土地，都 將穩穩當當地為秦國所擁有，這樣就能逐漸統一天下了。”The Emperor adopted his suggestion, and won many battles.秦昭王便采用了這個策略，果然在許多戰役中取得勝利。
【文化鏈接】
現在我們通常會用“得寸進尺”來表達一個人“做事做的太過分”，英語中常用“go too far”,比如：I didn"t mind at first, but now you"ve gone too far.起先我并不在意，但現在你已經得寸進尺了。
看故事學英語：守株待兔get on a gravy train
Once upon a time, there was a farmer.One day, while he was working in the fields, he saw a hare run into a tree stump accidentally and die of a broken neck.從前，有一個農夫。一天，在他耕田的時候，忽然跑過來一只野兔，恰好碰在一個樹樁上，脖子折斷死了。The farmer took the hare home and cooked a delicious meal for himself.農夫把兔子拾回家去，美美地吃了一頓兔肉。That night he thought: "I needn"t work so hard. All I have to do is wait every day by the stump to pick up the hare that runs into it."當晚，他就想：“我何必辛辛苦苦的種地呢？每天在樹樁旁等著撿撞死的野兔就好了”。So from then on he gave up farming, and stood by the tree stump waiting for the hare to come and run into it.于是他從此不再耕種，每天在樹樁旁等待野兔的到來。But from then on, he never saw another hare run into the tree stump.但是，從那以后，他再沒有發現一只野兔撞在樹樁上。
【文化鏈接】“守株待兔”其實比喻那些“不勞而獲的人”，英語中可以用短語“get on a gravy train”來表達相應的意思。這個短語來自美劇《老友記》，總是混吃喝的Joey和Monica交換公寓后依然大大咧咧地到別人冰箱里拿吃的。這時，Monica說：Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can"t eat our food anymore, that gravy train had ended. （我說，我們好像換過公寓了吧? 你再也不能吃我們的東西了，吃白食的好日子結束了。）Gravy，既有“肉汁”的意思，也有“外快；輕易得到的錢財”之意。漢語里我們常說某人“富的流油”，這里gravy train中的gravy也有“肉汁”的意思，大家不妨拿來聯想記憶一下，(get on) a gravy train, 就是“不勞而獲；輕易得到”的意思，也就可以翻譯成“守株待兔”。我們來看幾個例子：
I wouldn’t like loafing. I don"t want to get on a gravy train.
我不愿虛度光陰，我不要守株待兔。
After about three months, though, the gravy train stops and the young foxes must find their own meals.
這種守株待兔的生活只會持續約三個月，此后，小狐貍必須自己覓食。
英語幽默小故事(3)
簡短幽默的英語小故事
篇一
Golfing with cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
一個男人搖搖晃晃地走進了急診室，兩個眼睛是青的，頸項上有明顯的五指印。
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
醫生問他發生了什么。“額，是這樣的，”這個人說。“我和我老婆來了幾局高爾夫，她把球打到一個牛群里。”
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
“我們去尋這個球，我四下搜索，發覺一頭牛的屁股后面有個白色的東西。”
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife"s golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow"s butt. That"s when I made my mistake."
“我走過去，舉起了它的尾巴想看清晰，我老婆的球就卡在牛的屁股中間。然后我犯了一個錯誤。”
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
“你干嘛了?”醫生問。
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!""
“額，我舉起了牛的尾巴，對我老婆喊道，"這個好像是你的!"”
篇二
Hen House
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
在一個小小的愛爾蘭村莊中，牧師非常地喜愛雞舍中的小雞。雞舍位于教區后面，里面有一只公雞，十只母雞。
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that it was because cock fights were being held in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
不過，公雞在一個星期六的晚上不見了，牧師懷疑可能是因為村里舉辦了斗雞競賽。他謀劃在第二天早晨去教堂做些事情。
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
當著大家的面，他問道：“誰有一只公雞嗎?”所有的男人都站了起來。
"No, No," he said, "that wasn"t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
“不是的，”他說，“我不是那個意思，有誰見到過一只公雞嗎?”所有的女人都站了起來。
"No, No," he said, "that wasn"t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn"t belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
“不是的!”他說，“我不是那個意思。有誰見過一只不屬于自己的公雞嗎?”半數的女人站了起來。
"No, No," he said, "that wasn"t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the altar boys stood up.
“不是的。”他說，“我也不是那個意思。有誰見過我的公雞嗎?”所有的侍者男孩都站了起來。
篇三
Stolen Turkey
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
布萊恩抱著一只火雞，非常苦惱，他說：“原諒我，神父，我有罪。我偷來這只火雞給我家人吃。你能告慰我的罪嗎”
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
“當然不行，”神父說。“你必須把它還回去，這樣才能贖罪。”
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
“我試過了。”布萊恩抽泣著，“但是他拒絕了。神父，我到底該怎么辦呢?”
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
“假如你說的是真的，那你就留著它吧。”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
謝過了神父，布萊恩跑開了。
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
告誡會結束后 ，神父回到住處。當他走到廚房的時候，他發覺火雞不見了。
英語幽默小故事(4)
簡單的英語幽默小故事1
Mr. Jones had a few days’ holiday, so he said, “I’m going to go to the mountains by train.” He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the station and got on the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind pulled his hat off.Mr. Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the window too.The other people in the carriage laughed. “Is your bag going to bring your beautiful hat back?” they asked.“No,” Mr. Jones answered, “but there’s no name and no address in my hat, and there’s a name and address on the bag. Someone’s going to find both of them near each other, and he’s going to send me the bag and the hat.”
2
An old lady went out shopping last Tuesday. She came to a bank and saw a car near the door. A man got out of it and went into the bank. She looked into the car. The keys were in the lock.The old lady took the keys and followed the man into the bank.The man took a gun out of his pocket and said to the clerk, “Give me all the money.”But the old lady did not see this. She went to the man, put the keys in his hand and said, “Young man, you’re stupid! Never leave your keys in your car: someone’s going to steal it!”The man looked at the old woman for a few seconds. Then he looked at the clerk—and then he took his keys, ran out of the bank, got into his car and drove away quickly, without any money.
3
Mary was an English girl, but she lived in Rome. She was six years old. Last year her mother said to her, “You’re six years old now, Mary, and you’re going to begin going to a school here. You’re going to like it very much, because it’s a nice school.”“Is it an English school?” Mary asked.“Yes, it is,” her mother said. Mary went to the school, and enjoyed her lessons. Her mother always took her to school in the morning and brought her home in the afternoon. Last Monday her mother went to the school at 4 o’clock, and Mary ran out of her class.“We’ve got a new girl in our class today, Mummy,” she said. “She’s six years old too, and she’s very nice, but she isn’t English. She’s German.”“Does she speak English?” Mary’s mother asked.“No, but she laughs in English,” Mary said happily.
4
Mrs. Jones did not have a husband, but she had two sons. They were big, strong boys, but they were lazy. On Saturdays they did not go to school, and then their mother always said, “Please cut the grass in the garden this afternoon, boys.” The boys did not like it, but they always did it.Then somebody gave one of the boys a magazine, and they saw a picture of a beautiful lawn-mower in it. There was a seat on it, and there was a woman on the seat.The boy took the picture to his mother and brother and said to them, “Look, that woman’s sitting on the lawn-mower and driving it and cutting the grass. We want one of those.”“One of those lawn-mowers?” his mother asked. “No,” the boy said. “We want one of those women. Then she can cut grass every week.”
5
One of Harry’s feet was bigger and the other. “I can never find boots and shoes for my feet,” he said to his friend Dick.“Why don’t you go to a shoemaker?” Dick said. “A good one can make you the right shoes.”“I’ve never been to a shoemaker,” Harry said. “Aren’t they very expensive?”“No,” Dick said,“some of them aren’t. There’s a good one in our village, and he’s quite cheap. Here’s his address.” He wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Harry.Harry went to the shoemaker in Dick’s village a few days later, and the shoemaker made him some shoes.Harry went to the shop again a week later and looked at the shoes. Then he said to the shoemaker angrily, “You’re a silly man! I said, ‘Make one shoe bigger than the other,’ but you’ve made one smaller than the other!”
6
Mr. Jones had a few days’ holiday, so he said, “I’m going to go to the mountains by train.” He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the station and got on the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind pulled his hat off.Mr. Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the window too.The other people in the carriage laughed. “Is your bag going to bring your beautiful hat back?” they asked.“No,” Mr. Jones answered, “but there’s no name and no address in my hat, and there’s a name and address on the bag. Someone’s going to find both of them near each other, and he’s going to send me the bag and the hat.”
（范文素材和資料部分來自網絡，供參考。可復制、編制，期待你的好評與關注）
英語幽默小故事(5)
英語幽默小故事
1、New Discovery
A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young
model stepped off the elevator.
Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I shouldhave brought my wife!"
新發現
一個鄉下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進一座大樓，看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨后關上，有幾個燈在閃亮。一會兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。
鄉下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應該把我的老婆帶來!”
hillbilly
n. 鄉下人，鄉巴佬.
pudgy
adj.矮胖的，矮而粗的
drawl
vt, vi慢吞吞地說；拉長語調地說
2、Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
總感到口渴
一個男人對他的朋友說：“我動了一次手術，手術后醫生把一塊海綿忘在我的身體里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友說道：“你覺得疼嗎？”
“不疼，可是我總感到口渴。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That"s too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I"d know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？”
“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What"s the meaning of the word "Drunk", dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there"s only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest"s plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"且話僂蚰昴?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\"t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\"s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn"t his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎么樣？
母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個
可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
Magic change
神奇變化
Gaga is a little duck. He is small, dirty and ugly. His friends don’t like to play with him.
One day, Gaga walked behind his friends quietly(靜悄悄地).But his friends did not want him. Gaga was very sad and ran to the river and cried loudly(大聲地)。
Just then, a big beautiful bird heard(聽見)him crying and flew down(飛下來，落下來). She said, “Please don’t cry. Tell me, what do you want? I can help you.”
Gaga told the truth(真相). The beautiful bird said, “OK, I can help you to become a good-looking duck.” Then she took out a blanket and put it on the duck’s body. She said something which the little duck didn’t understand. Then she took away the blanket. There stood (站立)a good-looking duck.
Gaga was very happy. He thanked the big bird and quickly went to play with his friends
英語幽默小故事(6)
英語幽默小故事
Where’s my tooth?
Tom and Jack are brothers. It’s Sunday morning. They wake up. They get out of bed. They get dressed. They wash their faces. They brush their teeth. Suddenly Tom shouts: “Where is my tooth?” Tom and Jack laugh.
?The? Little? Bird
There is s little bird living in a beautiful animal palace. But one day, she lose her way home. How scared she is ! She missed her palace so much. She wanted to go back. But there are four difficult points she must pass. Now let’s see whether she can go back or not.
Tags: 英語小故事 ,
There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There were
three parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000;
and the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner,
“How come this guy is $5,000? That’s so expensive for this kind
of parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he
can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy?
What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said,
“Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,
like dancing and so on. That’s why he’s so expensive.”
Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What can
he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shop
said, “I don’t know. Normally, I have never heard him talk,
nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!
But the other two call him ‘The Boss.’”
老板最大
有個人到一間商店買鸚鵡。店里有三只鸚鵡，其中一只賣五千元，
另一只賣一萬元，還有一只賣三萬元。顧客問老板：「為什么
這只要賣五千元？這個價錢對這種鸚鵡來說太貴了！」老板說：
「因為我有訓練他講話。」顧客又問：「那這只呢？他會做什么？
為什么要賣這么貴？」老板說：「他除了會說話之外，還會表演
一些有趣的動作，好比說跳舞等等，所以才賣這么貴。」
顧客接著又問：「那第三只呢？他會做什么？為什么要賣這么貴？」
老板說：「我不知道。我從沒聽過他講話、吹口哨或唱歌，
也沒看過他跳舞，什么都沒有！不過另外兩只叫他：『老板！』」
School! Go Slowly! (學校！慢行！)
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend"s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how"d that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that"s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin", went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin" like he was stuck, woke us up, and "fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved "em all!"
"So that"s when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out "fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don"t want to eat all at once."
回答者： kuaile柔兒 - 二級? 2008-11-1 14:30
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend"s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how"d that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that"s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin", went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin" like he was stuck, woke us up, and "fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved "em all!"
"So that"s when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out "fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don"t want to eat all at once."
Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That"s impossible, he said.
有一次上帝來到我面前答應了我一個愿望。我說我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他說。
Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".
然后我請讓你變聰明。他說：“你還是讓我試試讓世界和平吧。”
1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Jack: Certainly.
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
湯姆：威廉向我借五英鎊。我該不該借給他？
杰克：當然應該了。
湯姆：為什么？
杰克：否則他就該跟我借了
2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
"Why are you so nervous?" I asked him.
"The numbers are the date of our anniversary." my usband confessed.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的手提式計算機。機場出口處檢查員要他打開包。他耐心的等著我那窘迫的丈夫設法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。
“你為什么那么緊張呢？”我問他。
“這密碼是我們結婚紀念日。”他承認道
3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I"ve just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
媽媽：你為什么不停地跳上跳下的？
湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了
4.One evening I drove my husband"s car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom"s here?"
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來后發現車身沾滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當我終于走進屋里時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。”
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了？”
5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband"s cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
"I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday."
"Don"t worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later." He said with a smile.
瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天對他抱怨說：“我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火。”
“不用擔心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會點著的。”他笑著說。
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn"t see the bird, ma" am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma"am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似
18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。”
I"ve Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I"ve just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I"ve just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
“我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？”
“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City"s Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？”
英語笑話（一）
Q: What"s the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can"t have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
英語笑話（四）my little dog can"t read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It"s no use, my little dog can"t read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I"m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man"s party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You"re not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然后用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之后，再用你的腳把門推開。”
“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。
英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年輕者”
這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那里人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的干吧。”
英語笑話（八）Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband"s car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom"s here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來后發現車身沾滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當我終于走進屋里時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。”
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了？”
英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what"s wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I"ve just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I"m an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
“醫生”她沖進屋后大聲說道。
“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什么病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
英語笑話（十）One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain"s voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete"s sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we"ll be up here all night!"
只剩一個引擎
一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：“旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。” 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎么啦？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。” 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can"t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
邏輯推理
小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：“有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水里。于是他開始掙扎并喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什么？” 一個女生舉手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”
[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的“銀行”之外，還有“河岸”的意思。
Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”
這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣于盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向于在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護律師怒喝道： “你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。”
“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。
“不存在這樣的問題！”律師厲聲打斷他。
“噢，”證人說：“那么請你回答這個問題：“你停止打你老婆了嗎？”
昨天夜里我爸媽表演“混合雙打”
Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？
Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.
尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜里我還見過呢！
Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.
老師：那你給大家講講當時的情形吧。
Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”
尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:“家丑不可外揚。”(
1．we two who and who？
咱倆誰跟誰阿
2．how are you ? how old are you? 怎么是你，怎么老是你？
3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！
你有種，我要給你點顏色瞧瞧，兄弟們，一起上！
4．as far as you go to die
有多遠，死多遠！！！！
5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!! 有事起奏，無事退朝
6．you me you me 彼此彼此
7．You Give Me Stop!! 你給我站住！
8．know is know noknow is noknow 知之為知之，不知為不知…
回答者： m3303328 - 一級? 2008-11-6 19:55
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個城市里的游客來到一個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什么樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對農夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有
中英對照：猴子撈月
One day, a little monkey is playing by the well.
一天，有只小猴子在井邊玩兒。
He looks in the well and shouts :
它往井里一瞧，高喊道：
“Oh! My god! The moon has fallen into the well!”
“噢！我的天！月亮掉到井里頭啦！”
An older monkeys runs over, takes a look, and says,
一只大猴子跑來一看，說，
“Goodness me! The moon is really in the water!”
“糟啦！月亮掉在井里頭啦！”
And olderly monkey comes over.
老猴子也跑過來。
He is very surprised as well and cries out:
他也非常驚奇，喊道：
“The moon is in the well.”
“糟了，月亮掉在井里頭了！”
A group of monkeys run over to the well .
一群猴子跑到井邊來，
They look at the moon in the well and shout:
他們看到井里的月亮，喊道：
“The moon did fall into the well! Come on! Let’get it out!”
“月亮掉在井里頭啦！快來！讓我們把它撈起來！”
Then, the oldest monkey hangs on the tree up side down ,with his feet on the branch .
然后，老猴子倒掛在大樹上，
And he pulls the next monkey’s feet with his hands.
拉住大猴子的腳，
All the other monkeys follow his suit,
其他的猴子一個個跟著，
And they join each other one by one down to the moon in the well.
它們一只連著一只直到井里。
Just before they reach the moon, the oldest monkey raises his head and
happens to see the moon in the sky,
正好他們摸到月亮的時候，老猴子抬頭發現月亮掛在天上呢
He yells excitedly “Don’t be so foolish! The moon is still in the sky!”
它興奮地大叫：“別蠢了！月亮還好好地掛在天上呢！”
幼兒英語游戲教學
一、簡析幼兒英語游戲教學開展的情況：
“幼兒英語游戲教學”這一形式，在我園實施的英語教學中一直處于優勢地位。尤其是近兩年來，我園更致力于“如何把幼兒的英語教學做得更生活化、自然化些？”同時，幼兒英語教學的進一步游戲化也仍然是我們追求的目標。我園開展的英語教學情況有以下幾個特點：
1．幼兒園從大的方向上改革：首先，創設一個英語游戲教學的大環境。在園內創設各種與英語有關的壁畫：如各種幼兒喜愛的人物形象，加上各種色彩繽紛的背景圖，讓幼兒一走進幼兒園就仿佛走進了英語的王國，從視線上吸引住孩子。這樣，環境發揮了“無言的暗示”這一作用，激發幼兒去觀察、去發言。其次，幼兒園每天早上7:30——8:00都會播放幼兒喜歡的英語歌謠、歌曲，孩子從來園就置身于英語的環境當中，這是對他學習英語興趣最好的培養。再次，幼兒園創設了“雙語活動樂園”，提供有關雙語方面的圖書、卡片、錄音磁帶、隨身聽，以及人物手偶、頭飾等道具，為喜歡參與英語活動的
幼兒提供了自由、多樣的選擇機會，幼兒在每天的自主活動時間都能來參加。這樣，既尊重了孩子的選擇權，也滿足了孩子的需要。
2．幼兒園力求“幼兒教師英語化”的進一步提高。除了長期堅持對在職教師的培訓外，還注意對英語骨干教師的培養。同時，成立了英語教學研究小組，把園內的英語教學提升到科學研究的層次。注意提高幼兒教師在幼兒英語教學方法、教學用語兩方面的素質，以保證教師高質量的進行英語教學。
3．教育觀念的改革。在活動中多激發幼兒進行探索，讓幼兒多“猜一猜”、“想一想”去學習是幼兒英語游戲教學的一大方法。我們注重每次教學后的觀察記錄和反思，從中找到一些規律性的東西，也有利與科學研究水平的提高。我們針對幼兒在游戲中掌握單詞、句子的情況，進行了簡單的記錄。發現單詞相對于句子較容易讓幼兒接受；句子中祈使句又較其他的句子容易接受。我們在教學中接觸到的為單詞包括：名詞、動詞、少量代詞、少量數詞；句子包括；指令性用語（即祈使句）、少量的一般疑問句、少量的特殊疑問句。按幼兒對單詞和句子一次出現的情況（有無反應）、二次出現的反應（是否記得）、三次出現的反應（反應快或慢），將所學的知識進行了簡單的排列：（從易到難）單詞依次是名詞、動詞——代詞——數詞；句子依次是聽祈使句——聽一般疑問句——聽特殊疑問句。通過這樣的統計，我們對游戲的安排進行了重新調整：對于幼兒易接受的單詞直接放入游戲中，如：有具體形象的名詞peach（桃子）、fish（魚），有動作指示的動詞walk（走）、jump（跳）、run（跑）等；對于幼兒不太容易理解的疑問句，則用在教師組織游戲的常規用語上，希望通過多次的、反復的聽，讓幼兒理解并產生反應。如：句子Are you hungry? \ What’s in the box?等，就是形成了一定的常規用法，來幫助幼兒聽懂和接受的。
4．教師作為活動的支持者，順應幼兒學習英語的“交際”愿望，在游戲組織的過程中提供了多次交流、多次語言輸出的機會。例如：提供足夠多的道具、豐富的學具，讓幼兒通過小組練習來鞏固已學知識，是一種有利于幼兒交流的好方法。隨著幼兒英語學習水平的提高，在游戲中使用簡單的句子、較為復雜的單詞來進行交際都是有可能的。
二、其它教學形式在幼兒英語游戲教學中的運用：
幼兒英語游戲教學的開展，同時也結合了其他各種各樣的教學形式，如：英語小故事、英語兒歌、日常用語練習等。
（一）英語小故事
對于處在“語言敏感時期”的幼兒來說，幼兒故事有著得天獨厚的優勢。它短小但生動；優美而令人浮想聯翩。更重要的是“它有著能令幼兒共鳴”的特點，所以幼兒非常喜歡聽故事。英語小故事同樣有著這些優點，它給幼兒一種“霧里看花”的感覺，孩子半聽半猜，更被它牢牢地吸引住了。英語小故事有著完整的句子、有著多變的語調、對于聽不懂英文的孩子來說更有著無限的想象空間。例如：在實驗課《The three butterflies》（三只蝴蝶）中，幼兒從沒聽過這個故事的中文版本，卻被故事中生動的英語語音、語調吸引住了。他們能猜得到蝴蝶什么時候開心They are very happy.、什么時候難過Red flower,red flower,please let us come in,please let us come in。等到教師用中文講述的時候，很多孩子已經能半猜半懂的講出來了。這樣，雖然故事并未直接用中文來說，但是孩子一樣能記憶深刻，而且幼兒在欣賞這個故事的同時感受到了兩種語言的美。在游戲教學中將用中文講過的故事編成英語小故事，也是一種方法，它既容易讓孩子理解又幫助孩子對于兩種語言的快速轉換。例如：《花兒好看不能摘》、《狼來了》、《拔蘿卜》、《三只小豬》等。這些帶有表演性質、又有著多次重復句子的故事，最容易在游戲教學中使用。
（二）英語兒歌
兒歌以其節奏性強、朗朗上口而被幼兒所喜歡。在幼兒英語教學中使用兒歌（Chant），可加入Rhyme（韻腳）、Rhythm（韻律）的變化，使幼兒感興趣而愿意投入其中。實驗課《A fox and a frog》中，目標是區分 fox和 frog的發音，將兩個單詞編入有節律的兒歌中：
A fox and a frog are very good friends.
What’s in the box? What’s in the box?
Is it a fox ? Is it a frog ?
No, no, no .
This is a fox and this is a frog.
幼兒在念兒歌時加上手指表演（左手食指表示狐貍；右手食指表示青蛙），一邊念一邊要控制手指，其實是在暗示幼兒區分出fox和frog是不同的發音，這樣運用兒歌既生動活潑又富有童趣。
英語兒歌對于培養幼兒在英語游戲活動中的常規意識也很有幫助。幼兒玩英語游戲《Wolf , wolf ,what time is it》的時候,幼兒可先跟著兒歌節奏做動作，當老狼念到“six”或“twelve”的時候幼兒知道狼來了，要跑去藏起來。著其中就藏著一個“規則”的暗示。
英語兒歌也可以自編。選用幼兒常見而熟悉的中文兒歌來改編，讓幼兒易于接受也比較有成功感。例如：《大蘋果》、《老狼老狼幾點鐘》等。英語兒歌包括幼兒歌曲，歌曲更是一種讓孩子喜愛的教學形式。它曲目繁多、風格各異，時常讓孩子有耳目一新的感覺。英語歌曲也可以來自幼兒熟悉的中文歌曲的改編，如：《找朋友》（Looking for a good friend）、《你好，老虎》（Hello, tiger）等。
（三）日常用語練習
在日常生活中，注意對英語活動的鞏固。例如：幼兒常見的物品、食物，都可以用英語進行對話練習；一些禮貌用語Good morning. \Here you are.\Thank you等都可以每天堅持運用。
創設有利于復習英語活動的環境，并充分利用環境開展教學。例如：結合圣誕節進行游戲活動《Merry Christmas》，教師將活動室布置成歡慶新年的樣子，準備了圣誕樹、禮物、音樂等，然后帶領孩子很自然地在里面開展活動。游戲中進行了問候語Merry Christmas 的練習；句子I want…的練習；還學唱了新歌：《Happy new year》，活動很自然也很有意義。
三、我園幼兒英語教學的展望：
1．我園目前只是處于“部分沉入式”的雙語教學形式，如果要形成較有規模的教學，則必須加大力度，不僅僅在幼兒英語教學中使用英語口語，更多的是在各學科：體育、繪畫、音樂等方面使用英語口語。這是對我園教師的“英語化”又提出了一大要求。
2．幼兒園應該引領家長豐富孩子英語知識的探索。首先，應提高家長對學習英語的理性認識；其次，應該為孩子創設學習英語的良好環境，利用家長自身的特長，為孩子的英語學習服務；再次，家長應了解自己孩子的年齡特點和個性特點，尋找適合自己孩子學習英語的方法；最后，家長最主要的是要以“寬容”和“平和”的心態來對待孩子的英語學習。切莫因為孩子的一個發音或一個說錯的單詞而強迫孩子去練習，以免增加孩子的心理壓力，造成“厭學”的不良影響。
3．進一步加強“跨班自選活動”的進行，尊重幼兒的意愿和選擇權，鼓勵幼兒在“雙語樂園”中大膽地交流，大膽地進行英語活動，如：自由的表演，自由聽，自由看。
4．繼續進行英語教學的課后觀察記錄，從中尋找新的研究信息。
英語幽默小故事(7)
1、New Discovery
A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young
model stepped off the elevator.
Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I shouldhave brought my wife!"
新發現
一個鄉下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進一座大樓，看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨后關上，有幾個燈在閃亮。一會兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。
鄉下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應該把我的老婆帶來!”
hillbilly
n. 鄉下人，鄉巴佬.
pudgy
adj.矮胖的，矮而粗的
drawl
vt, vi慢吞吞地說；拉長語調地說
2、Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
總感到口渴
一個男人對他的朋友說：“我動了一次手術，手術后醫生把一塊海綿忘在我的身體里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友說道：“你覺得疼嗎？”
“不疼，可是我總感到口渴。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That"s too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I"d know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？”
“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What"s the meaning of the word "Drunk", dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there"s only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest"s plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"且話僂蚰昴?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\"t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\"s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn"t his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎么樣？
母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個
可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
Magic change
神奇變化
Gaga is a little duck. He is small, dirty and ugly. His friends don’t like to play with him.
One day, Gaga walked behind his friends quietly(靜悄悄地).But his friends did not want him. Gaga was very sad and ran to the river and cried loudly(大聲地)。
Just then, a big beautiful bird heard(聽見)him crying and flew down(飛下來，落下來). She said, “Please don’t cry. Tell me, what do you want? I can help you.”
Gaga told the truth(真相). The beautiful bird said, “OK, I can help you to become a good-looking duck.” Then she took out a blanket and put it on the duck’s body. She said something which the little duck didn’t understand. Then she took away the blanket. There stood (站立)a good-looking duck.
Gaga was very happy. He thanked the big bird and quickly went to play with his friends
英語幽默小故事(8)
英語學習專家提醒：英語學習重在運用，要動起來, be active in your study！對于下面的這些資料，請不要僅僅是看鬧熱，或一時興起，而是要重在堅持！英語學習沒有捷徑，只有一步一個腳印！這是關于英語文化陷阱的學習，重點在于運用于真實語境中來領悟其用法！
1. You have matches
最近我有一次機會登上一艘豪華游輪觀光。一次, 我在酒吧臺拿了兩杯雞尾酒回房間享受，途中遇到一位女士，她看看我后笑著說：“You have matches？”我一愣，回答說：“很抱歉，我十五年前就戒煙了，所以沒有火柴。”她立刻會意到我誤解了她的意思，好像是有點抱歉的說：“It’s a joke.” 然后，我們就相互尷尬的笑了笑，走開了。事后和朋友在吃晚飯的時候聊天，我趁機向一個美國朋友請教白天的那句話，他解釋說：“因為她看你兩手都占著，就故意開玩笑跟你要火柴，這是個非常普通的笑話，非但沒有惡意，反而是想問你需不需要幫忙。”
2. Turn the table
一位親戚和妻子失和到了要離婚的地步。幾天前接到親戚電話，說他們在走進律師樓之前，先去求助于心理和婚姻問題專家。夫婦倆心平氣和地坐下來談了好多次，互相之間多了一份理解，少了一份猜疑、埋怨，結果化干戈為玉帛。說簡單也簡單，就這么拯救了這場婚姻。我打心眼里為他們高興，把這一消息告訴了同樣也認識他們的一位美國朋友。這位朋友挺激動的，連連說著“感謝上帝，感謝上帝”，她還補充了一句“He turned the table”。
這話讓我心里很不舒服，她是指我親戚動粗嗎？我打抱不平說：“不會，不會，他很斯文，很有紳士風度，不會以粗魯的舉動壓制對方，不會以高壓讓對方屈從。” 結果，越說誰也聽不懂誰。看著我那一臉不快的表情，朋友突然茅塞頓開了，以另一種方法向我解釋。終于讓我明白，她是說我親戚“扭轉了局面”，那“table”和我想到的“桌子”根本無關。
再說遠一點, turn the tables (on someone)這個短語也和“桌子”沒什么關系, 它的意思是to suddenly take a position of strength or advantage that was formerly held by someone else (反敗為勝,轉弱為強), 例如: “She played badly in the first set, but then she turned the tables on her opponent and won the match. ”
3. Wearing two hats
同事朋友聚會，少不了相互介紹。先生在向我介紹他的同事 Larry 時，說他可是個大忙人: “He is wearing two hats.” 我說，你開什么玩笑，他根本就沒戴帽子。 Larry 一直以笑作答，倒是先生察言觀色，知道我不懂，便幫我找臺階下。 原來，先生是指Larry在醫院某一部門擔任要職，除此之外，還有自己的生意，就是說 Larry 身兼兩職，而不是真的戴了兩頂帽子。
4. With a grain of salt
一天吃飯的時候，好友 Allen 和他的中國籍太太坐在餐桌旁大談最近流行的一種草藥，說它能包治百病。 Allen 說了一句：“I’d like to take it with a grain of salt”。他太太笑道：“你以為它是蔬菜啊，還要加點鹽再吃。健康專家可沒有說過要加鹽。”Allen 愣了一下，然后大笑不已，解釋道“ Take something with a grain of salt” 是“對某事有保留、持懷疑態度”的意思。 原來剛才Allen 是說他對這種草藥的神奇療效表示懷疑，而不是說要“放些鹽再吃”。?
5.You are in for a treat！
這天，同事們正在討論為我和 Rhonda 開生日 party的事情，為了尊重壽星，大家讓Rhonda 和我選擇一家中意的餐廳。Rhonda建議去鎮上一家叫做BBQ 的美國餐廳。我從來沒有去過那里，于是就問她那里有什么特色。Rhonda便開始滔滔不絕的介紹他們的招牌菜，聽得我十指大動，直咽口水，Rhonda便笑著說: “You are in for a treat !” 我愣了一下，以為Rhonda要請我去那里吃飯，心里十分不好意思，試探著問過她之后，Rhonda 笑著解釋說: “You are in for a treat means you"ll like it !”
6. Knife and fork
朋友D說日前在某大酒樓飲茶，見鄰桌有青年夫婦和大概是他們在外國結識的老太太一起飲茶。老太太對操作筷子很感興趣，在那里學用chopsticks夾蝦餃。D說他有個美國朋友，曾花了一些時間學習正確使用筷子的方法，每有機會就要表演一下，還說用筷子是一種藝術，是古老的中國文化的表現。
中國人吃飯用筷子，洋人進餐用刀叉。其實洋人從前沒有knife and fork，用的是木片削成的叉。這種木叉從意大利經伊斯坦堡傳到英國，是兩刺的肉叉 (two-pronged fork)。在此之前，人們吃肉用手，因此對于改用肉叉有人說是“對賜人五指之神的侮辱。”
筷子又叫作“箸”，據說由于箸與住同音。住有停止之意。航船忌停，江蘇一帶行船的人們改稱箸為“筷兒”。筷音同快，不住而快，一帆風順矣。日語中筷作箸，但讀作hashi，和作橋解的hashi相同，似乎和行船有點關系。日諺有“只會拿著筷子吃”指“茶來伸手，飯來張口。”中餐桌上每人有一份箸匙 (zhuchi)，一雙筷子一把湯匙，也許就沒有knife and fork那么殺氣騰騰了吧？?
7. Skeleton in the closet
一天朋友談及一則大爆“名人”家丑的八卦新聞，說那些家族中人以搬弄“skeleton in the closet”為樂事，難道這些名人家的壁櫥中真的有骷髏？ 他說的“skeleton in the closet”(英國人則習慣說成skeleton in the cupboard)現在的意義并沒有那么可怕。不過據說當年這個習語產生的時候的確指那些有錢人家謀殺了一個人，把骸骨暗藏在壁櫥中，不讓外人知道， 從此 skeleton in the closet 就成了那家人的秘密，后來這個短語用來指不可或不愿外揚的家丑，簡稱作family skeleton。例如： Many old families have a number of skeletons in their closets which they are loath to discuss(許多古老的家族中有很多秘密，他們不愿談及這些話題。)
??? 8. Skin off one"s nose
Joe很熱心公益，每周固定有一天去做義工。在他的影響下，我也參加了幾次。有一次跟他提起如果能到附近的劇院做義工的話，也許會比較有趣。有一天他拿了一份報紙，上面就有劇院要找義工的消息，我打算下班后過去看看，可是不巧碰上那天身體不舒服，下了班躺在床上就不想動了。 第二天碰到Joe，問我有沒有去，我把實情跟他解釋。他聽完后說： “No skin off my nose.”我不懂，只好怔怔地望著他，心想，他大概以為我是“葉公好龍”吧。
回家查了俚語詞典，才知道skin off one"s nose是與某人有關的意思。Joe是在說我去不去其實"不關他的事"，他只是順便問一下罷了。
?注：no skin off sb.’s nose 也可說成 no skin off sb.’s teeth
9. Small beer
Small beer是“小啤酒”的意思嗎？難道啤酒還分大小？其實，在英國small beer指的是口味比較淡啤酒，但是在美語中則是“少量啤酒”的意思。比如說夏天有客人來訪，問他要喝些什么：Anything to drink？客人就可能回答說：“I"ll have a small beer(給我一點兒啤酒。)”比喻用法中說的small beer，指規模或者格局不大的事物。自以為了不起，不是小人物的人：He thinks no small beer of himself. Be small beer常用作與人比較的表現。 口語中常用small beer作形容詞，因此開快餐店的朋友可以說：Ours is a small-beer fast-food joint beside McDonald.
?
10. Spaghetti
朋友S說，意大利面食pasta，除實心粉spaghetti外，還有通心粉macaroni，寬面條lasagna，有肉餡做小方塊形的意大利餛飩(云吞)ravioli，細長面條tagliatelle以及細線狀的細面vermicelli(我們將“粉絲”譯作vermicelli，原是意大利細面借之名)。
意大利是歐洲第一個吃面食的國家。十三世紀時馬可波羅從中國傳去制面食方法后，大受歡迎，特別是實心意粉spaghetti，以其容易烹調，可以配上各種佐料， 很快就風行全國。不過那時沒有刀叉可用，因此吃的都是無湯汁的實心意粉，便于用手抓送入口。現在的肉汁意粉(spaghetti with meat sauce)，是后來才出現的吃法。當然，馬可波羅當年在中國也吃過我們的牛肉湯面或者排骨湯面。但是有湯的spaghetti乃至以之作湯的spaghetti soup，全是后來出現的意粉吃法。
Spaghetti一詞源于意大利語spago，意思是一條線。一條意粉是spaghetto，通常用復數的spaghetti。意粉一碟，面條雜亂，因此車輛往來多，交通混亂的街口稱為 spaghetti junction。
11. Speaking of the devil
幾個同學聚到一起聊天，大家都到齊了，唯獨不見Wayne。其中一個說“今天好像沒見到Wayne”，另一個接著說“他的女兒放暑假，東西要從宿舍里搬出來，他大概幫忙去了”。正說著，只見Wayne從外面走過來。Joe于是說“speaking of the devil”。幾個人樂了起來。我心想Wayne 這個人平常挺老實的，為什么說他是devil呢？于是我悄悄地去問Joe。
原來“speaking of the devil”是一條成語，相當于中文的“說曹操，曹操到”。也就是剛說Wayne 不在，結果他就來了。我不禁驚詫于語言的共通性，因為曹操不是也有“奸雄”的稱號嗎？中英文在這一成語上有著這樣驚人的異曲同工之處。
12.Stolen from ... dealer
高速公路上人車奔馳，朋友突然指著前方一部小轎車，說：“哇！這人好囂張，賊車還敢掛上招牌！”我順著他的目光看過去，不禁啞然失笑，我說：“先生呀！人家車牌上寫著‘stolen from … Dealer’,是指他這部從… Dealer那兒買來的車，價格低廉，便宜得像偷來得一樣。” 這是一種美式幽默廣告手法，吸引顧客去… Dealer那兒買車，不是賊車啦。
13. Sweet tooth
我最害怕看牙醫，但是因為有一顆蛀牙讓我實在疼痛難忍,所以只好鼓足勇氣，到牙醫診所掛號。當醫生為我檢查的時候，他問我：“Do you have a sweet tooth？”我很無辜地回答：“I had a doughnut this morning before coming here. I brushed my teeth. There is no sweet tooth.”他聽了后搖搖頭，便開始替我補牙。 很敏感的我，知道可能答非所問，鬧了笑話，但是卻百思不解。我懂 Sweet 及 Tooth 這兩個單字，但把這兩個字放在一起合用，我就不知道意思了。回家查了字典后，我才恍然大悟，原來sweet tooth的意思是“愛吃甜食”。
14.The Hong Kong dog
一次在一堂電腦課上，鈴響后，系里的女秘書突然跑到教室來宣布：“Dr. Walker has a touch of the Hong Kong dog and will be here a little bit late.” 聽完宣布后，我一臉正經地向坐在隔壁的美國朋友抱怨說：“Dr. Walker 怎么可以撫弄他的愛犬以至于來不及上課呢？”老美聽完后居然大笑著說：“真是太好笑了！The Hong Kong dog 并非指一種狗，而是指某人吃壞了肚子、拉肚子的意思。”這一解釋讓我尷尬得無地自容。
15. Throw the book at Somebody
和先生從car wash(洗車場)里開出來，車上的水珠還依稀可見，這讓先生想起一件事：曾經有一個美國人在高速公路上超速開車，時速達100多英里。警察當然把他截下來。在法庭上，他辯解之所以開快車，是因為想讓風盡快把剛剛洗過的車吹干。我聽了好笑，更好奇結果如何。先生答曰：結果是“They threw the book at him”。我不禁詫異，想像著他被“書砸”的樣子。原來并非如此，“Throw the book at somebody”是指給某人最大極限的懲罰：charge someone to the full range of law。如果法律是一本書，那么這本書中所有被違犯了的條例，他都將為之遭受最嚴重的懲罰。
英語幽默小故事(9)
English Funny Stories
I"m Trying to Stop It "Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it." “孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？” “沒有，老師。可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進，一個耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
“I"m sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy"s tooth .” “Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” “對不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。” “20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元。” “是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個病人嚇跑了。”
TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example? John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short. 老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理。現在，誰給我舉個例子？ 約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長，在冬天天都短。
?The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I"ll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". 教進化論的老師已經滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現在尾巴到哪里去了？” “我來試試看，”一位老太太說。 “該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What"s the meaning of the word "Drunk", dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there"s only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
英語幽默小故事(10)
英語幽默小故事50字
導語】真正便宜的東西
after being away on business, tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
做完生意回來后，提姆覺得應該給妻子帶點什么禮物回去。
“how about some perfume？”he asked the cosmetics clerk. she showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“那些香水怎么賣啊？”他問賣化妝品的售貨員。售貨員給他展示了一支價值50美元的香水。
“that’s a bit much,”said tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“看起來好像有點貴哦！”提姆說道。于是售貨員又拿出一款30美元的香水。
“that’s still quite a bit,”tim complained.
“還是貴了點。”提姆抱怨道。
growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
售貨員開始有點惱火了，就給提姆一瓶很小的香水，價值15美元。
“what i mean,”said tim, “is i’d like to see something really cheap.”
“我的意思是，”提姆說，“我想看看一些真正便宜的東西。”
the clerk handed him a mirror.
售貨員聽了后，遞給了提姆一面鏡子。
漂亮的結婚禮物
we attended the wedding of an acquaintance’s son. because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. we look forward to using it soon.
我們參加了一個熟人的兒子的婚禮。由于我們都不認識那個年輕人和他的新娘，所以我們決定送給他們一個實用的全家禮----一個滅火器。很明顯，這對新人大批量制作了他們的感謝信，因為我們收到了一張卡片，上面寫著：“非常感謝您的漂亮的結婚禮物，我們期待著不久就用到它。”
