英語笑話16篇
英語笑話(1)
英語笑話
篇一：英文幽默笑話
1.貓和老鼠
——Mrs Brown went to
visit one of her friend and
carried a small box with
holes punched in the top.
——" What"s in your
box?" asked the friend.
——"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I"ve been dreaming about mice at night and I"m so scared! This cat is to catch them."
—— "But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
——"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.
布朗夫人去拜訪一位朋友，她拿著一個頂部扎滿了小眼兒的盒子。“盒子里裝的是什么？”朋友問道。“一只小貓，”布朗夫人回答說，“你知道我晚上睡覺總夢見老鼠，我非常害怕。這只貓可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友說。“小貓也是假想的。”布朗夫人小聲說道。
2.Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸
A guy I know was
towing his boat home
from a fishing trip to Lake
Huron when his car broke
down. He didn"t have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able
to
raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location.""I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
在休倫湖釣完魚后，我的一個朋友開車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。他沒帶手機，不過，他想，也許他可以通過海事無線廣播來請求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，啟動了無線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護衛隊警官作出了回應，“報告你的位置”。“I-75號公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會之后，警官問我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時開得有多快？”
3.The Mean Man"s Party
吝嗇鬼的聚會
The notorious cheap
skate finally decided to
have a party. Explaining to
a friend how to find his
apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor
and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You"re not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開。”“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“天哪！” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧？”
4.Talking clock 會說話的鐘
——While proudly showing off
his new apartment to friends, a
college student led the way into
the den. "What is thebig brass
gong and hammer for?" one of
his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How"s it work?"
——"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed
from
the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It"s two o"clock in the morning!"
一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那個大銅鑼和錘子是干什么用的？”他的一個朋友問他。“那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鐘”，學生回答。“這鐘怎么工作的”，他的朋友問。“看著，別眨眼了”，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁墻那邊有人狂叫，“別敲了，你這白癡！現在是凌晨兩點鐘了！”
5.那就更糟了 Much Worse
----Policeman: Why
didn"t you shout for
help when you were
robbed of your watch?
----Man: If I had opened my mouth, they"d have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人搶你的手表時，你為什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發現我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。
6.需要推一下嗎
Need a push?
——A man is in bed asleep
with his wife when there is
a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.
——He rolls over and looks
at his clock, and it"s half
past three in the morning. "I"m not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. ——Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren"t you going to answer that?" says his wife.
——So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
——He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn"t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
——"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
——"No, get lost(走開!), it"s half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. ——He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn"t very nice of you. Rememberthat night
we broke down on the pouring rain on the way
篇二：有關英語笑話
4.上次不知道是什么事情把我惹怒了,情急之下我本來要說: FUCK YOU!! 但是卻說成FUCK ME!!! 那來外開始愣了一下, 后來他說: u wanna say fuck me ?? OR fuck you?? 暈...我連吵架的氣勢都沒了.
5.有個老外到唐山去旅游，住在當地一戶農家里，早上起來，看見院子里有只貓，就逗貓玩，這時候這戶人家的老太太出來了，就說：鼓搗貓呢？老外還以為是問早上好，于是就回了一句“Good morning！”到了晚上，老太太又看見這老外又在洗衣服，就說：鼓搗衣服呢？老外趕緊又回答一句“Good evening!” 心里真佩服，中國人厲害，連老太太英語都說的這么好！深夜，老外泡了一杯牛奶，準備喝完睡覺，又被老太太看見了，問老外：鼓搗奶呢？老外一聽，連“Good night！”都會說，徹底暈菜。
中國人學英語
全家死
bus 爸死
yes 爺死
girls 哥死
miss 妹死 ·
nice 奶死
Mars 媽死
school 死光了
老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.并讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗。”
小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？
怎么不去？
小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊！ 6.
某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！
7.英語老師問一個學生，“How are you是什么意思”
學生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”
老師生氣又問另一個同學：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”
這個同學想了想說：“怎么老是你。”
8. 女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！
男：it！
上初一的時候，英語老師讓我們讀課文，恰好是一段對話，于是叫了一男一女兩個同學來讀。
男：What time is it now?
女：It’s nine.
男：Let’s go to bed.
女：We go to bed at nine.
全班絕倒。
一對熱戀中的男女。女生非常沒有安全感，于是對著男友說：“SAY?I LOVE YOU!!?SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”
男的答道：“IT!”
12、一次為一個初中小孩搞家教，在其英語課本上發現如下恐怖字眼： 爸死（bus）爺死( yes )哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）
說件初中時候同學的一件傻事，不知道割………上英語課的時候一同學連續打了5個噴嚏，估計是英語課太嚴肅了 ，有些同學沒有忍住笑了，亮點來了。那同學很大聲的說了句：笑什么笑，你們沒有放過屁啊！當時連英語老師都沒有忍住。全班狂笑中………有木有一點點的笑點呢？？
小時候特sb，上英語課表演對話你懂得。
lz跟小班花對話表演。
++++聽說割了會頂的更用力+++
最后的時候課文上寫著要對話完要擁抱一下。
然后...老師說表演完可以下去了。
我竟然大聲的嚷著，不是說好了可以擁抱的嗎。不是要擁抱嗎...
然后，我就出去站了一節課。
都是大騙子.....
高中的時候，上完早操同學們一窩蜂的往教室擠，結果門壞了-------我們偷偷把門閉好，想著整英語老師一頓。老師一開門，門就斜了。班里同學叫喚著：老師你把門弄壞了！老師臉那個煞白啊。一節課都沒在心思上，還時不時的去研究怎么修門……
大一理科男，一次上英語課，老師點名念英語課文，叫到lz旁邊的二貨，他正在睡覺，lz推醒他，他站起來迷迷糊糊的，問lz該怎么回答，lz果斷的小聲來了句：make love！于是那二貨同學當著全班五十號人大聲的說了一句……make love 。。教室安靜5秒后所有人笑噴了！了……老師一臉的黑線呀！
本人男，在我小學六年級一次英語課上，老師讓舉手上黑板默寫單詞，由于老師每次都是在教室走著選上誰就會拍誰一下，這次問誰會，結果有三分之二同學都舉手了，同時嘴里還喊著我去我去，我也舉手了，可是我不會，就當老師走到我旁邊的時候我不知道怎么說出一句我去，這時候老師拍了我一下胳膊，我當時心立馬就涼了，怎么辦啊！正走著去黑板，這時候老師從后面說話了，回來，越會越不讓你去了，我就老老實實回來了，拿哥們逗樂呢！我的心啊！過去十年了，現在回想起來還得意呢！第一次發，求過
初中時的糗事。。。。。。。。不能割還得用。。。。。。。。。
學期第一節課，換了個英語老師，讓每個同學都上講臺用英語介紹一下自己，并且說一下自己的偶像。到樓主上臺了，樓主不記得什么明星的名字，就記得好像有個叫什么德華的唱歌特牛逼，又想起來以前在電視上好像看到過馬德華的，就說我叫xxx,我的偶像是一位歌星，叫馬德華，同學們都還在納悶兒馬德華是誰，老師說:我要糾正一下，馬德華不是歌星，是影星，在西游記里飾演豬八戒。。。。。 同學們都笑瘋了，，，后來全班都知道我的偶像是豬八戒。。。。。
我在想，我看西游記看演員表是看的是有多認真。。。 。。。
記得小學一次英語課，老師給我們講外國人的名字在前姓在后。。。。隔了老師的智商。。。。。然后她說，我舉個例子啊，比如朱峰同學，就應該叫峰朱，全班一下撲呎一聲沸騰了起來。老師愣了一會兒慌了，我，我們，換，換一個同學的名字舉例。。。
2.試題：如果一位中國學生在美國加州目睹了一起交通事故，警察來了以后問你知不知道事情的經過，應該怎么對他說？一個人回答：one car come one car go，two car peng peng，one car die。
篇三：最經典英文笑話
英文笑話
一眼就看中
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn"t you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
Notes:
(1) go-between n.媒人
(2) settle on選定；決定
Exercises: 根據短文判斷下列句子正（T）、（F）：
① The girl was angry with the go-between for having cheated her.
② The girl married the one-eyed man.
③ The go-between hadn"t told the girl the fact.
④ The go-between thought that justice was on his side.
⑤ The girl hadn"t fully understood the go-between"s words.
112.一眼就看中
姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我？”“怎么沒告訴你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面后，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”
借公牛一用
Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn"t know any words.
One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.
After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I"ll go myself shortly. Notes:
(1) he pretended to be reading it他假裝讀著字條。
(2) pretend to do佯裝做
Exercises:根據短文回答下列問題：
① When did the story take place?
② What problem did the rich man have?
③ What did his friend want to borrow from him?
④ Who took the note to the rich man?
⑤ The rich man made a fool of himself, didn"t he?
111.借公牛一用
從前，有個人很富有，但他不識字。 一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一頭公牛，便寫了個條，讓仆人送到富人那里。
仆人把條子給了富人。富人便假裝看了一會兒，然后說道：“好啦，我知道了。回去告訴你的主人，我馬上自己過去。”
練習參考答案：
① A long time ago.
② He didn"t know and words.
③ An ox.
④ The servant.
⑤ Yes, he did.
You may select可以選擇
The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.
One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?" The wife said, "You may select the dish today."
The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"
"Cabbage."
"The others?"
"None."
"Then how to select?"
"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.
Notes:
(1) complain v.抱怨
(2) cabbage n.白菜
Exercises:
根據短文選擇正確答案：
① What did the husband complain about?
A. His wife sometimes cooked the same dish.
B. His wife seldom cooked the same dish.
C. His wife always cooked the same dish.
D. His wife didn"t cook any dish.
② What question did the husband ask one day?
A. He asked what they would cat.
B. He asked if there was anything to eat.
C. He asked if there was any meat.
D. He asked if there was any cabbage.
③ The wife told him that_____ .
A. there was no meat
B. there was a lot of cabbage
C. he could select the dish
D. he could cook some other dishes
④ The husband was at first_____ .
A. very disappointed
B. very angry
C. very sad
D. very glad
⑤ We can be sure that_____ .
A. the family had nothing to eat on that day
B. the family had only one dish on that day
C. the family had several dishes an that day
D. the family went out to a restaurant on that day
119.可以選擇
丈夫抱怨妻子總是做同樣的一種菜。
一天，丈夫回到家，問妻子：“親愛的，今天我們吃啥菜？”
妻子回答：“今天你可以選擇。”
丈夫感到非常高興，又問：“都有哪些菜呢？”
“炒白菜。”
“還有呢？”
“沒了。”
“那你要我怎么選呢？”
“吃還是不吃！”妻子一本正經地說道。
練習參考答案：
①C②A③C④D⑤B
What color 什么顏色
An impoverished graduate student at Clemson University in South Carolina, I was excited when my father informed me that he had bought me a car. Hardly able to contain my enthusiasm, I asked Dad the typical questions: "What kind is it? Does it have a stick shift? Does it have a tape deck?" "It"s a 1982 Toyota," he replied. "It"s a four speed, and, yes, it has a tape deck . " Pleased, I asked what color it was.
"Well, " he said uncomfortably, " which part?"
Notes:
(1) impoverished adj.窮困的
(2) South Carolina 南卡羅萊那（美國州名）
(3) inform v.告知
(4) contain v.控制（情緒等）
(5) enthusiasm n.熱情
(6) typical adj.典型的
(7) stick shift 手排擋
(8) tape deck 磁帶艙
Exercises:
根據短文判斷下列句子正（T）、（F）：
① The graduate student couldn"t afford a car himself.
② When his father told him that a car had been bought for him he was excited.
③ He controlled his excitement and didn"t ask any questions.
④ He wanted a car with a stick shift.
⑤ He got a second-hand colored car.
什么顏色
作為南卡羅萊那州克萊姆森大學的一個本科生，我囊中羞澀，當我父親告訴我他為我買了輛車時，我甚是激動。我幾乎控制不住我的熱情，問了爸爸幾個關鍵問題：“什么車？有沒有手排擋？有沒有磁帶艙？”
“是1982年產豐田車，”他回答說，“四速，還有，是的，有磁帶艙。”我甚是高興，又問是什么顏色的。
“哦，”他很不舒服地說，“你指哪一部分？”
練習參考答案：
①T②T③F④T⑤T
英語笑話(2)
英語小笑話（1）不差錢
Looking?very?unhappy,?a?poor?man?entered?a?doctor"s?consulting-room. ?一個愁容滿面的窮人走進大夫的診室。
"Doctor,"?he?said,?"you?must?help?me.?I?swallowed?a?penny?about?a?month?ago."
?"大夫！"他說，"你一定要幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！"
"Good?heavens,?man!"?said?the?doctor.?"Why?have?you?waited?so?long??
Why?don"t?you?come?to?me?on?the?day?you?swallowed?it?"
?"天哪，你這個人啊"大夫說，"早干嘛去了？你當時怎么不來看？"
"To?tell?you?the?truth,?Doctor,"?the?poor?man?replied,?"I?didn"t?need?the?money?so?badly?then."
?"實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢！"
英語小笑話（2）遲到了！
?Teacher:Why?are?you?late?for?school?every?morning?
Tom:Every?time?I?come?to?the?corner,a?sign?says,"School-Go?slow".?
老師:為什么你每天早晨都遲到?? 湯姆:每當我經過學校的拐角處,就看見一個牌子上寫著"學校----慢行".?
英語小笑話（3）你會說什么
How?much?English?can?you?speak?
? "Your?Honor,?I?want?to?bring?to?your?attention?how?unfair?it?is?for?my?client?to?be?accused?of?theft. ?He?arrived?in?New?York?City?a?week?ago?and?barely?knew?his?way?around.? What"s?more,?he?only?speaks?a?few?words?of?English." The?judge?looked?at?the?defendant?and?asked,?"How?much?English?can?you?speak?"
The?defendant?looked?up?and?said,?"Give?me?your?wallet!"
"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。
而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"
法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文？"
被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！"
英語小笑話（4）可憐的丈夫
The?poor?husband?
"You?can"t?imagine?how?difficult?it?is?for?me?to?deal?with?my?wife,"?the?man?complained?to?his?friend.?"She?asks?me?a?question,?then?answers?it?herself,?and?after?that?she?explained?to?me?for?half?an?hour?why?my?answer?is?wrong.?
中文翻譯：
可憐的丈夫?
“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難，”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然后自己回答了，過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的。”
英語小笑話（5）我沒有睡著
I?Wasn"t?Asleep
When?a?group?of?women?got?on?the?car,?every?seat?was?already?occupied.?The?conductor?noticed?a?man?who?seemed?to?be?asleep,?and?fearing?he?might?miss?his?stop,?he?nudged?him?and?said:?"Wake?up,?sir!"?"I?wasn"t?asleep,"?the?man?answered.?"Not?asleep??But?you?had?your?eyes?closed."?"I?know.?I?just?hate?to?look?at?ladies?standing?up?beside?me?in?a?crowded?car.
中文翻譯：
我沒有睡著
當一群婦女上車之后，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員注意到一名男子好像是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說:“先生，醒醒!”?“我沒有睡著。”那個男人回答。?“沒睡著?可是你眼睛都閉上了呀?”?“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。”
英語小笑話（6）一個真正的男子漢
One real man
The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely（嚴格地，嚴厲地）.
Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives" directions and counsel（勸告，建議） to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right.
It"s good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted（膽小的） dunces（傻瓜） why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.
Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds
一個真正的男子漢
古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人并非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國里所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。
然后，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。
國王說：看到我們國家里還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什么在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。
陛下，那人尖聲地回答：因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆
英語小笑話（7）國王和他的故事
Once there was a king. He likes to write stories, but his stories were not good. As people were afraid of him, they all said his stories were good.
One day the king showed his stories to a famous writer. He waited the writer to praise these stories. But the writer said his stories were so bad that he should throw them into fire. The king got very angry with him and sent him to prison.
After some time, the king set him free. Again he showed him some of his new stories and asked what he thought of them.
After reading them, the writer at once turned to the soldiers and said: “ Take me back to prison, please.”
國王和他的故事
從前有一個國王，他喜歡寫故事，但是他寫的故事很不好。人們怕他，都說他的故事好。有一天國王把他的故事給一名作家看，他想要作家贊揚他的這些故事，而作家說他的故事是如此的差以至于該扔進火里。國王很生氣，把他送到監獄。
過了些日子，國王給了作家自由。國王重新將自己的一些新故事給作家看并問他感覺怎么樣。
作家看了之后立刻轉身對士兵說著;“請把我送回監獄吧。”
英語小笑話（8）買冰
Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.
Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and watching the ice melting.
“What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”
“I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.
從前有一個笨人的妻子讓她的丈夫買幾塊冰。
兩個小時后，他還沒回來。
她想知道他為什么沒回來，就出去看了看，發現她的丈夫在門口站著，在太陽下曬冰，看著冰融化。
她問他：“怎么啦？你為什么不把它拿進來？”
“我看見冰是濕的，恐怕你會訓斥我，因此，我正在把它曬干。”笨人回答道。
英語小笑話（9）賣掃帚的人和理發師
A man who sold brooms went into a barber"s shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.
"Two pence," said the man.
"No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."
The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.
"A penny." said the barber.
"I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."
賣掃帚的人和理發師
一個賣掃帚的人去一家理發店修面.理發師向他買了一把掃帚.當理發師給他修完面后,問了一下掃帚的價錢.
賣掃帚的人說:"兩便士"
"不,不"理發師說,"我只出一便士.如果你認為不夠的話,可以把掃帚拿回去."
賣掃帚的人取回了掃帚,隨后問修面要付多少錢.
賣掃帚的人說:"我只能給你半個便士,如果你認為不夠的話,你可以把胡子再替我裝上.
英語小笑話（10）采購過早
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That"s no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
那天是圣誕節，法官在審訊犯人時也有點惻隱之心。“你為什么而被起訴？”他問。
“采購圣誕節物品過早。”被告答。
“這不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購物多早？”
在商店開門之前，“犯人應道。
英語笑話(3)
1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."數到一百再說課堂上，老師背靠火爐站著，對學生們說：“說話前要三思，起碼數到50，重要的事情要數到一百。”老師的話音剛落，學生立刻從“1”開始數起來。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老師，您的衣服著火了。”2.The Advantage of AlcoholIn order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"The student answered,"It shows that people won"t get parasites if they drink more alcohol."酒的好處為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子里，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什么？”學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”3.Exchange the Tortoise for the WolfTeacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won"t fall asleep?Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把烏龜換成狼老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？小明：因為它睡覺了。老師：對極了！我們應該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？小明：把烏龜換成狼！
搞笑電腦問題大全：能幫我重啟網絡嗎？
Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.Such as: "Why isn"t my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?"Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the "any" key?"-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"-- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?"-- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?"-- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?"Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer"s coffee-cup holder to come out again?"Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks."These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said.幫用戶解決電腦問題是電腦技術支持的主要職責，但有時用戶提的問題甚至把IT精英們都給難倒了。比如：“為什么我的無線鼠標沒連在電腦上？”再如：“能幫我重啟一下網絡嗎？”還有人會問：“在哪能下載追蹤UFO的軟件？”總部位于加州門羅園的“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司日前對美國各地的1400位公司IT主管進行了一項調查，讓他們列出公司的技術咨詢或支持部門所遇到的“最難回答”的問題。其中包括：“電腦提示：請按任意鍵繼續。這個任意鍵在哪？”“你能將鍵盤按字母順序重排嗎？”“我女兒被鎖在浴室了，你能開鎖嗎？”“能不能幫我查查明年的天氣預報？”“能幫我在電腦上安裝有線電視嗎？”還有一位用戶將光盤驅動器（CD-ROM）與一種杯架混淆了，問曰：“怎么把電腦上的咖啡杯架弄出來？”“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司的執行官凱瑟琳?斯賓塞?李說，這些問題對于技術人員來說的確是個考驗。她說：“技術人員在解答這些問題時，一定要有耐心，要理解用戶，還要有些幽默感。”
● Fresh RicherA fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)－filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．”新 貴一個新貴在墓葬品商店選購他死時要用的棺材，有人問他：“最好買哪一種？”他說：“鍍鋅的棺材當然比較耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。” NOTE 注釋：1. zinc n. 鋅 vt. 涂鋅于.2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的
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● The reds or the greens？Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we"ll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？”紅的還是綠的？樹上的兩只蘋果俯瞰著世界。第一只蘋果說：“瞧瞧這些人吧，爭斗、搶劫、騷亂——似乎就沒有人愿意與別的人好好相處。總有一天，我們蘋果就會成為世上惟一的幸存者。到那時我們就將統治世界。”第二只蘋果回答說：“我們中的哪些呢——紅的還是綠的？”
● You don’t have to pay for lightningTeacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning.閃電不用付錢老師：誰能告訴我閃電與電的區別？學生：閃電不用付錢。 本文無注釋
● H o n e s t yA man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．．Man：What"s the problem，officer？Officer：You were going at least ７５in a ５５zone．Man：No，sir，I was going ６５．Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going ８０．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．）Officer：I" m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight．Man：Broken taillight？I didn"t know about a broken taillight。Wife：Oh Harry，you"ve known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．）Officer：I" m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt．Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car．Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt．Man：Shut your dang mouth。Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma " am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？Wife：No，only when he"s drunk．誠 實警官讓一位駕車的男士停下車。隨后出現如下的對話：男士：警官，有什么問題？警官：你在限速５５英里的地段開到至少７５英里。男士：不，長官，是６５英里。妻子：啊，哈里，你剛才開到８０英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。）警官：我還要給你張罰單，你的尾燈碎了。男士：尾燈碎了？你不說，我還真不知道尾燈碎了。妻子：哦，哈里，幾個星期以前你就知道了。（男士又惡狠狠地瞪了她一眼。）警官：我還要給你張傳票，你沒系安全帶。男士：噢，你朝我車走過來的時候我才解開的。妻子：啊，哈里，你從來都不系安全帶。男士：閉上你的臭嘴。警官：（轉向女士）夫人，你丈夫總是這樣跟你說話嗎？妻子：不，只有當他醉了的時候。
● He must have a computerA mother was teaching her ５-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”他一定有臺電腦一位母親給她５歲的兒子講上帝。“你知道嗎, ”有一天她對他說, “無論一個人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睜大了眼睛看著他媽媽說, “哇。那他一定有一臺電腦。”
● Nice TryMy wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ”The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald. □by Peter Orphanos嘗 試我和妻子被警察攔住了，他給我們開一個超速的罰款單。我的妻子是一個發型設計師，于是她就對警察說，“如果你讓我們免于警告，我就為你免費理發一年。”警察脫下他的帽子——他是一個光頭。
● Who is DisgustingFirst：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．”Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？”First：“No．I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano．”誰可惡甲：“我家新搬來的鄰居好可惡，竟然深更半夜跑來猛按我家的門鈴。”乙：“的確可惡。你有沒有報警？”甲：“沒有。我當他是瘋子，繼續彈我的琴。”本文無注釋
● Where the Declaration of Independence was signed?Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？”Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．”《獨立宣言》是在哪兒簽字的？老師：“誰知道《獨立宣言》在哪兒簽字的？”學生：“我知道，我知道。是在那頁紙的底部。”本文無注釋
● Driving carFather：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．”Susie：“That" s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．”開 車父親：“哎呀，我剛才違規右轉彎了。”蘇茜：“沒事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也這么轉了。”
● HumorMother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．”Susie：“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terror．Just look at Grandma．”幽 默母親：“蘇茜，每次你表現不好，我就多長一根白頭發。”蘇茜：“天哪，媽，那你肯定一直都表現很糟。看看外婆吧。”
● Not Necessary To AnswerTeacher：“I have two questions，it isn"t necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？”Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．”Teacher：“How do you know it？”Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．”無 需 回 答老師：“我有兩個題目，你若能答出第一題就不需答第二題。你有多少根頭發？”學生：“１．２億根。”老師：“你怎么知道？”學生：“第二題不需回答。”
● Now I can go homeOne day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I"ll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It" s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”我 可 以 回 家 了一天，放學以后，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當中的任何一個同學能回答我的第一個問題，我就準許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂涂，他非常生氣地問：“誰涂的？ 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見。”
● Don’t tell herTwo twins went to the kindergarten．“Who"s the elder and who"s the younger one？” asked a nurse．One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don"t tell her．”不 要 告 訴 她兩個雙胞胎走進幼兒園。“你們兩個誰大誰小？”保育員問。其中的一個眨了眨眼睛說，“哥哥，不要告訴她。”
● The Things Kids SayOne summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug． “I can" t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy"s room．”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4)．”童言無忌一個夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母親讓小男孩上床鉆進被窩。她正準備熄燈，孩子聲音顫抖地問：“媽咪，你今晚可以陪我睡嗎？”母親笑著，擁抱一下小孩安慰說，“親愛的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房間。”一陣長長的沉默之后，男孩小聲地用顫音說：“大膽小鬼。”NOTE 注釋：1. thunderstorm n. [氣]雷暴2. tremor n. 震動, 顫動3. reassuring adj. 安心的, 可靠的4. sissy n. 膽小鬼
英語笑話(4)
Family problems…Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven"teven met once." We call this arranged marriage. I don"t want to marry awoman whom I don"t love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."The American said, Talking about love marriages... I"ll tell you my story.I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father"s father-in-law.Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father"s brother and so he is my uncle.Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father"s son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..
1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."數到一百再說課堂上，老師背靠火爐站著，對學生們說：“說話前要三思，起碼數到50，重要的事情要數到一百。”老師的話音剛落，學生立刻從“1”開始數起來。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老師，您的衣服著火了。”2.The Advantage of AlcoholIn order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"The student answered,"It shows that people won"t get parasites if they drink more alcohol."酒的好處為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子里，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什么？”學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”3.Exchange the Tortoise for the WolfTeacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won"t fall asleep?Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把烏龜換成狼老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？小明：因為它睡覺了。老師：對極了！我們應該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？小明：把烏龜換成狼！
英語笑話(5)
英語笑話（一） 小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet? 老師說：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下來。 過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet? 老師說：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎么不去？ 小明說：你沒聽老師說“去你個頭”啊！ 英語笑話（二） 某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am HongTao Liu. 外賓曰：我還是方片七呢！ 英語笑話（三） 江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：“哪里，哪里”。 翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪里漂亮的，干脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere." 翻譯：“你到處都很漂亮。” 江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：“不見得，不見得”。 翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 英語笑話（四） 話說某年某月的某一天，三個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外仆人頭上的蘋果。 A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。 A高傲的昂起下巴，豎出一根大 拇指道：I am后羿！ B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：I am丘比特！ 輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結果正中仆人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：I...I...I...am...sorry... 英語笑話（五） 某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry. 老外應道：I am sorry too. 某人聽后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，問：What are you sorry for? 某人無奈，道：I am sorry five. 英語笑話（六） 一位來自日本的旅客，坐出租車去機場的路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一輛經過，他又說： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！” 后來到了機場，那個日本人就問：“How Much？” 出租車司機說：“1000！” 日本人驚奇的問司機：“為什么那么貴？” 出租車司機回答說：“oh，mileometer（計程表）！ Made in Japan! It is very fast！” 英語笑話（七） 英語老師問一個學生，“How are you是什么意思” 學生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？” 老師生氣又問另一個同學：“How old are you ?是什么意思？” 這個同學想了想說：“怎么老是你?” 英語笑話 （九） 一位在美的留學生，想要考國際駕照。在考試時因為過于緊張，看到地上標線是向左轉。 他不放心的問道:turn left？ 監考官回答：right. 于是他立刻向右轉。 很抱歉
還有一次是去MC，問朋友“圣代”的英文怎么說, 他就說是音譯Sundae，我茅塞頓開， 恍然大悟，十分自信的說了一句……那“奶昔”是不是叫Nancy？朋友當場噴可樂！
英語笑話(6)
英語幽默笑話：A Girl"s Name 女孩的名字
編輯點評：幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。
A Girl"s NameWhen our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） .Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don"t understand why my grandfather had a girl"s name.
女孩的名字女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太男性化了。幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。邁爾斯很仔細地想了一下，然后說道：這些我都懂，媽媽。可是我不知道外公為什么會有一個女孩子的名字。
was
v. 用來表示某人或某物即主語本身，用來表示某人或某物屬于某一群體或有某種性質( be的過去式 )；在，存在；不受干擾
born
vt. bear的過去分詞；支撐，支持；親自攜帶，運輸
vi. 結果，生產；和…有關
adj. 出生的，出身于…的；天生的，天賦的
named
adj. 指定的
v. 確定( name的過去式和過去分詞 )；決定；給…取名；說出…的名字
Myles
[人名] [英格蘭人姓氏] 邁爾斯 Miles的變體
beloved
adj. 被熱愛的；親愛的；為…所愛的
n. 心愛的人，可愛的人；情人；親愛的教友
復數：beloveds
late
adj. 晚的，遲到的；末期的，最近的；已故的；原來的，之前的
adv. 晚，遲到；后期地；最近地
比較級：later 最高級：latest
despite
prep. 不管；盡管（自己）不愿意；不在乎；雖有
n. 侮辱；憎恨；怨恨；輕蔑的拒絕或不承認
warning
n. 警告；征候，預兆；前車之鑒
adj. 警告的；告誡的；引以為戒的
v. 警告( warn的現在分詞)；提醒；告誡；預先通知
復數：warnings
masculine
adj. 男子氣概的；陽性的，雄性的；男性化的，像男人的
n. [語]陽性；陽性詞；男性
比較級：more masculine 最高級：most masculine
英語幽默笑話：一分一塊錢 A dollar per point
編輯點評：Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
一天，教授正在給學生們監考。他發下試卷，然后回到講臺前等待。考試結束了，學生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發現一張試卷上別著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著：“一分一塊錢。”第二堂課，教授把試卷都發回學生們手中。其中一個學生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。
英語笑話(7)
英語笑話故事??He?Won?Tommy:?How?is?your?little?brother,?Johnny??
Johnny:?He?is?ill?in?bed.?He?hurt?himself.?Tommy:?That"s?too?bad.?How?did?that?happen?Johnny:?We?played?who?could?lean?furthest?out?of?the?window,?and?he?won.他贏了湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。?I?Have?His?Ear?in?My?PocketIvan?came?home?with?a?bloody?nose?and?his?mother?asked,?"What?happened?""A?kid?bit?me,"?replied?Ivan.?"Would?you?recognize?him?if?you?saw?him?again?"?asked?his?mother."I"d?know?him?any?where,"?said?Ivan.?"I?have?his?ear?in?my?pocket."他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？”?“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。?“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”?A?Good?BoyLittle?Robert?asked?his?mother?for?two?cents.?
"What?did?you?do?with?the?money?I?gave?you?yesterday?""I?gave?it?to?a?poor?old?woman,"?he?answered.?"You"re?a?good?boy,"?said?the?mother?proudly.?"Here?are?two?cents?more.?But?why?are?you?so?interested?in?the?old?woman?""She?is?the?one?who?sells?the?candy."好孩子小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”?“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。?“你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”“她是個賣糖果的。”DrunkOne?day,?a?father?and?his?little?son?were?going?home.?At?this?age,?the?boy?was?interested?in?all?kinds?of?things?and?was?always?asking?questions.?Now,?he?asked,?"What"s?the?meaning?of?the?word?"Drunk",?dad?"?"Well,?my?son,"?his?father?replied,?"look,?there?are?standing?two?policemen.?If?I?regard?the?two?policemen?as?four?then?I?am?drunk.""But,?dad,"?the?boy?said,?"?there"s?only?ONE?policeman!"醉酒一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？”? “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。”?“可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”HospitalityThe?hostess?apologized?to?her?unexpected?guest?for?serving?an?apple-pie?without?any?cheese.?The?little?boy?of?the?family?left?the?room?quietly?for?a?moment?and?returned?with?a?piece?of?cheese?which?he?laid?on?the?guest"s?plate.?The?visitor?smiled,?put?the?cheese?into?his?mouth?and?then?said:?"You?must?have?better?eyes?than?your?mother,?sonny.?Where?did?you?find?the?cheese?"?"In?the?rat-trap,?sir,"?replied?the?boy.好客由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。?客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？”?“在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。?
父親節的由來：fathers" day
Publisher:lthldmDate:2011-06-15
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The United States is one of the few countries in the world that has an official day on which fathers are honored by their children. On the third Sunday in June, fathers all across the United States are given presents, treated to dinner or otherwise made to feel special. .
The origin of Father"s Day is not clear. Some say that it began with a church service in West Virginia in 1908. Others say the first Father"s Day ceremony was held in Vancouver, Washington.
Regardless of when the first true Father"s Day occurred, the strongest promoter of the holiday was Mrs. Bruce John Dodd of Spokane, Washington. She thought of the idea for Father"s Day while listening to a Mother"s Day sermon in 1909.
Sonora wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. Smart, who was a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife died while giving birth to their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state.
After Sonora became an adult she realized the selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. In 1909, Mrs. Dodd approached her own minister and others in Spokane about having a church service dedicated to fathers on June 5, her father"s birthday.
That date was too soon for her minister to prepare the service, so he spoke a few weeks later on June 19th. From then on, the state of Washington celebrated the third Sunday in June as Father"s Day. Children made special desserts, or visited their fathers if they lived apart.
In early times, wearing flowers was a traditional way of celebrating Father"s Day. Mrs. Dodd favored the red rose to honor a father still living, while a white flower honored a deceased dad. J.H. Berringer, who also held Father"s Day celebrations in Washington State as early as 1912, chose a white lilac as the Father"s Day Flower.
States and organizations began lobbying Congress to declare an annual Father"s Day. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson approved of this idea, but it was not until 1924 when President Calvin Coolidge made it a national event to "establish more intimate relations between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations."
Since then, fathers had been honored and recognized by their families throughout the country on the third Sunday in June. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father"s Day and put the official stamp on a celebration that was going on for almost half a century.
When children can"t visit their fathers or take them out to dinner, they send a greeting card. Traditionally, fathers prefer greeting cards that are not too sentimental. Most greeting cards are whimsical(奇形怪狀的，異想天開的)so fathers laugh when they open them. Some give heartfelt thanks for being there whenever the child needed Dad
參考譯文：
6月的第三個星期日是父親節。相對于母親節，父親節是人們比較陌生的一個節日，是1910年在美國華盛頓州的士波肯市由杜德太太發起的。
而我國的父親節起源，要追溯到國民時代。民國三十四年的八月八日，上海聞人所發起了慶祝父親節的活動，市民立即響應，熱烈舉行慶祝活動。抗日戰爭勝利后，上海市各界名流仕紳，聯名請上海市政府轉呈中央政府，定“爸爸”諧音的八月八日為全國性的父親節。
雖然今日一般人對于父親節的慶祝活動，不像對母親節一般的重視與熱鬧，但是上帝在圣經中教導我們對于父母的關愛卻是一致的，當母親含辛茹苦地照顧我們時，父親也在努力地扮演著上帝所賦予他的溫柔角色;或許當我們努力思考著該為父親買什么樣的禮物過父親節之時，不妨反省一下，我們是否愛我們的父親，像他曾為我們無私地付出一生呢?
父親節由來
第一個說法：
世界上的第一個父親節，1910 年誕生在美國。
1909 年，住在美國華盛頓州士波肯市(Spokane)的杜德夫人(Mrs. Dodd, Sonora Louise Smart Dodd)，當她參加完教會舉辦的母親節主日崇拜之后，杜德夫人的心里有了很深的感觸，她心里想著：“為什么這個世界沒有一個紀念父親的節日呢?”
杜德夫人的母親在她十三歲那一年時去世，遺留下六名子女;杜德夫人的父親威廉斯馬特先生(Mr. William Smart)，在美國華盛頓州東部的一個鄉下農場中，獨自一人、父兼母職撫養六名子女長大成人。斯馬特先生參與過美國南北戰爭，功勛標榜，他在妻子過世后立志不再續弦，全心帶大六名兒女。
杜德夫人排行老二，是家里唯一的女孩，女性的細心特質，讓她更能體會父親的辛勞;斯馬特先生白天辛勞地工作，晚上回家還要照料家務與每一個孩子的生活。經過幾十年的辛苦，兒女們終于長大成人，當子女們盼望能讓斯馬特先生好好安享晚年之際，斯馬特先生卻因為經年累月的過度勞累而病倒辭世。
1909 年那年，正好是斯馬先生辭世之年，當杜德夫人參加完教會的母親節感恩禮拜后，她特別地想念父親;直到那時，杜德夫人才明白，她的父親在養育兒女過程中所付出的愛心與努力，并不亞于任何一個母親的辛苦。
杜德夫人將她的感受告訴教會的瑞馬士牧師(Rev. Rasmus)，她希望能有一個特別的日子，向偉大的斯馬特先生致敬，并能以此紀念全天下偉大的父親。
瑞馬士牧師聽了斯馬特先生的故事后，深深地為斯馬特先生的精神與愛心所感動，他贊許且支持杜德夫人想推動「父親節」的努力。于是杜德夫人在 1910 年春天開始推動成立父親節的運動，不久得到各教會組織的支持;她隨即寫信向市長與州政府表達自己的想法與提議，在杜德夫人的奔走努力下，士波肯市市長與華盛頓州州長公開表示贊成，于是美國華盛頓州便在 1910 年 6 月 19 日舉行了全世界的第一次父親節聚會。
1924 年，美國總統科立芝(Calvin Coolidge)支持父親節成為全美國的節日;1966 年，美國總統詹森(Lyndon Johnson)宣布當年 6 月第 3 個星期日，也就是斯馬特先生的生日月份為美國父親節;1972 年，美國總統尼克森(Richard Nixon)簽署正式文件，將每年的六月第三個主日，訂為全美國的父親節，并成為美國永久性的國定紀念日。
第二個說法：
專門用一天向母親表示敬意的想法是1907年在美國首先提出來的。2年以后華盛頓州的一位婦女約翰·布魯斯·多德夫人提出應有類似母親節的一天來向一家之長的父親表示敬意。多德夫人年幼喪母，由父親把她帶大。她非常愛自己的父親。
在多德夫人提出她的想法的同一年--1909年，華盛頓州州長作出反應，宣布六月的第三個星期日為父親節。這個想法在1996年被伍德·威爾遜總統正式批準。1924年，卡爾文·柯立芝總統建議把父親節作為一個全國性的節日以便“在父親和子女建立更親密的關系，并且使父親銘記自己應盡的全部責任”。紅色或白色玫瑰是公認的父親節的節花。
父親節在全美國作為節日確定下來，比母親節經過的時間要長一些。因為建立父親節的想法很得人心，所以商人和制造商開始看到商機。他們不僅鼓勵做兒女的給父親寄賀卡，而且鼓動他們買領帶、襪子之類的小禮品送給父親，以表達對父親的敬重。
第二次世界大戰期間，駐扎在英國的美國軍人要求得到父親節的賀卡寄回國內。美國軍人的要求得到英國賀卡出版商的回應，因而印制了賀卡。雖然英國公眾對這個人為節日接受緩慢一些，但今天英國在六月里第三個星期日也熱烈慶祝父親節，和美國的慶祝方式差不多。
父親節似乎遠不如母親節那么重要，沒有孩子給父親送禮物。但是，美國的父親仍然認為他們的命運比許多其它國家的父親強得多，因為那些國家的父親們連個名義上的節日都沒有
in one"s birthday suit 赤身裸體(不是“穿著生日禮服”)
eat one"s words 收回前言(不是“吃話”)
an apple of love 西紅柿(不是“愛情之果”)
handwriting on the wall 不祥之兆(不是“大字報”)
bring down the house 博得全場喝彩(不是“推倒房子”)
have a fit 勃然大怒(不是“試穿”)
make one"s hair stand on end 令人毛骨悚然—恐懼(不是“令人發指——氣憤”)
be taken in 受騙，上當(不是“被接納”)
think a great deal of oneself 高看或看重自己(不是“為自己想得很多”)
pull up one"s socks 鼓起勇氣(不是“提上襪子”)
have the heart to do (用于否定句)忍心做……不是“有心做”或“有意做”)
中英雙語故事 中文諧音巧背英語單詞
爆笑(1)：警察跑累死
police，n,警察，音“跑累死”。警察的最終結局是“跑累死”，因為小偷可以選擇休息，而警察不能，警察永遠跟在多個小偷的后面。
爆笑(2)：柴門出主席
chairman，n,主席，音“柴門”。柴門是寒門。寒門出孝子，也出主席。從柴門走出來的主席很多。
爆笑(3)：飽死老板，餓死員工
boss，n，老板，音“飽死”。 worker，n，工人，音“餓客”。工人們不要不平衡，老板會撐而“飽死”，工人是“餓客”，餓，不一定死。或者說，飽死老板，餓死員工，與老板殊途同歸。
爆笑(4)：法官會“榨汁”
judge，n，法官，音“榨汁”，又音“喳吱”。社會上有種說法“吃了原告，吃被告。”有些法官會“榨汗”，榨原告被告的油汁。法官喳喳吱吱時候，是在糾問式審判，現在是聽判式，法官很少“喳吱”了。
爆笑(5)：律師老爺
lawyer，n,律師，音“老爺”。有個被告叫律師老爺，忘了叫法官青天大老爺，法官非常生氣。畢競法官比律師說了算。
爆笑(6)：阿哥累了
Ugly,adj，丑陋的，音“阿哥累”。阿哥累了，變得丑了，心靈美了，阿妹不離他走了。
爆笑(7)：政委與神甫
commissar，n.，代表， 政委，音“靠彌撒”。彌撒是天主教的一種宗教儀式，用面餅和葡萄酒表示耶穌的身體和血來祭祀天主。西方的軍隊有隨軍神甫，相當于政委吧，靠彌撒做思想政治工作吧。
爆笑(8)：三克油送給你
thank,you。謝謝你。音“三克油”。解：三克油，送給你，略表謝意。禮物雖輕，謝意情濃。
爆笑(9)：客套與套客
talk，v,談話， 談論， 議論，n ,談話。音“套客”。解：中國人談話先客套，外國人真接就套客，小心哪。
爆笑(10)：抬之若爆，小心為妙
Terrible adj. 很糟的， 極壞的， 可怕的，音：“抬若爆”。解：一抬就能爆炸的東西，如定時炸彈，一定是可怕的。
We saw a terrible storm. 我們遇到了一場可怕的風暴。
爆笑(11)：嚎叫若爆，遠之為妙
Horrible adj. 恐怖的；可怕的，音“嚎若爆”。解：嚎叫聲若爆炸一樣大，如獅虎，遠離為妙。There was a horrible accident here yesterday. 昨天在這里發生了一起可怕的事故。
爆笑(12)：四圍潑一潑
Sweep，vt., vi。( 常與up連用)掃，掃除；清掃；掠過。音：“四圍潑”。解：四圍潑一潑水，掃地不會揚塵士。The waves swept the deck. 波浪掃過甲板。
爆笑(13)：誰啃的樹搖動
shake，vt，vi，(shook，shaken音“誰啃”，shaking)搖動，震動。誰啃的樹搖動，不是野豬，是狗熊。
爆笑(14)：誰的樹，誰的樹陰
shade，n，陰涼處，樹陰，音“誰的”。解：巴伊老爺，見村民在他家門前的大樹下乘涼，很生氣，就趕他們走，說，“樹是我的，樹陰也是我的。不準在我家樹陰里乘涼。要乘涼付錢。”這家伙太壞了，大家找阿凡提評理。阿凡提說：“我把這樹買下來，大家乘涼。”巴伊趁機多要一大筆錢，呵凡提照給了，他很高興。村民們很生氣。到了傍晚，樹的影子越來越長，罩住了巴伊家的大院。阿凡提帶領村民把巴伊從家中趕出來。阿凡提說：“你看，樹的影子到了哪了？你說，誰的樹，就是誰的影子。照你說，誰的影子，影子里的東西就是誰的。這大院是我們的了。你走吧。”
爆笑(15)：拜拜以后怎么啦
bye-bye，inter，再見，音：“拜拜，擺擺”。外國人拜拜分道揚鑣，中國人拜拜，進了洞房。
外國人用用嘴拜拜是再見，中國人用手擺擺也是再見。
爆笑(16)：廣場四個拐
square,n,正方形，廣場，音“四拐哦”。多數廣場都是有四個拐角的方形廣場。 天安門廣場說四個拐哦。
爆笑(17)：漱哥
sugar,n,糖，音“漱哥”。解：小時候吃糖，都是含在嘴里漱，我們可以叫愛吃糖的男孩漱哥。
爆笑(18)：旅游不是圖錢是圖累
tourist，n，旅游者，音“圖累是他”。解：無論是誰，旅游不是圖錢是圖累，收獲的是精神享受。
爆笑(19)：女騷客穿短襪
sock,n,短襪，音騷客。解：女騷客，穿短襪。超級騷客，不穿襪，且染腳趾甲。
爆笑(20)：雨潲而下
shower,n,陣雨，音“潲哇”。解：這個英語單詞真妙，直接出了陣雨的下法――潲哇。絕對地說，直下的雨是沒有的，無論是陣雨還是非陣雨。
爆笑(21)：三圍不知為好
sandwich,n,三明治，夾心面包，音“三圍知”。解：你可以問問女友能吃幾塊三明治，不要問她的三圍是多少。這個想法還是夾在心中為好。
爆笑(22)：鬧賊后熱鬧
noisy,adj,熱鬧的，音“鬧一賊”。解：家里鬧賊后，主人叫抓賊，院里熱鬧起來，賊喊捉賊，賊亂中逃跑。《半夜雞叫》說的就是這樣一個故事。
爆笑(23)：跑腿的原因
poverty,n,貧窮，音“跑我腿”。解：富而優則仕。官人，動你嘴，我窮，跑我腿。
爆笑(24)：菜單上賣全牛
menu,n,菜單，音“賣牛”。解：一個吃夠了全雞的鄉鎮干部，跑到全牛飯店嚷嚷，“全牛店怎么不標全牛的價格？”店老板說，“你看看合計就知道了”。
爆笑(25)：讓馬吃飽了好行軍
march,v行軍，音：“馬吃”。March,n,三月，音：“馬吃”。解：讓馬吃飽了好行軍。三月路邊無青草，行軍要讓馬吃飽。
爆笑(26)：賴皮好說謊
Lie，v，說謊，音：“賴”。解：說謊就是耍賴。
instruction,n,說明，說明書，音“因斯抓客神”。解：因斯，因此。因此能抓住顧客的眼神，就是好說明書。現代經濟很大程度上是眼球經濟，誰抓了顧客的眼神，就會獲得利益。
爆笑(27)：古蘭的是莊嚴的
grand,adj,莊嚴的，音“古蘭的”。解：古蘭經上的，都是莊嚴的，不允許半點褻瀆。這一點，回民群眾都知道。
Grandfather,爺爺，grandmother,奶奶，都是跟莊嚴有關的詞。
爆笑(28)：圣經被拜為寶書
bible,n,圣經，音“拜寶”。解：《圣經》被很多人拜為寶書。以前《毛澤東選集》是中國人的紅寶書。
爆笑(29)：浮老哥是蛤蟆
中英雙語故事 最易犯錯的45個英文句子
1. The house is really A-1.
(誤譯)那間房子的門牌確實是A-1號。
(正譯)那間房子確實是一流的。
2.He bought a baker"s dozen of biscuits。
(誤譯)他買了面包師做的12塊餅干。
(正譯)他買了13塊餅干。
3.A bull of Bashan woke the sleeping child with his noise。
(誤譯)貝興的一頭公牛弄醒了那個酣睡的孩子。
(正譯)一個大嗓門的人把那個酣睡的孩子吵醒了。
4.He was a cat in the pan。
(誤譯)他是盤子中的一只貓。
(正譯)他是個叛徒。
5.A cat may look at a king。
(誤譯)一只貓都可以看到國王。
(正譯)小人物也該有同等權利。
6.Even a hair of dog didn"t make him feel better。
(誤譯)即使一根狗毛也不會使他覺得好些。
(正譯)即使是再喝解宿醉的一杯酒，也不會使他覺得好些。
7.Is he a Jonah?
(誤譯)他就是叫約拿嗎？
(正譯)他是帶來厄運的人嗎？
8.Jim is fond of a leap in the dark。
(誤譯)吉姆喜歡在黑暗處跳躍。
(正譯)吉姆喜歡冒險行事。
9.A little bird told me the news。
(誤譯)一只小鳥將此消息告訴我。
(正譯)消息靈通的人士將此消息告訴我。
10.Angela is a man of a woman。
(誤譯)安吉拉是個有婦之夫。
(正譯)安吉拉是個像男人的女人。
11.Nellie is a man of his word。
(誤譯)內莉是他所說的那個人。
(正譯)內莉是個守信用的人。
12.He paid a matter of 1000 yuan。
(誤譯)他付了1000元的貨物賬。
(正譯)他大約付了1000元。
13.It is a nice kettle of fish! I have a stomachache。
(誤譯)這是一鍋好魚，(可惜)我胃痛。
(正譯)真糟糕，我胃痛了。
14.She is a nose of wax。
(誤譯)她的鼻子是臘制的義鼻。
(正譯)她沒有主見。
15.Glen spent a small fortune on a tour round the world。
(誤譯)格倫花了一筆小錢周游世界。
(正譯)格倫花了巨資周游世界。
16.He is very glad that his wife"s going to get a visit from the stork。
(誤譯)他為她的妻子將獲得參觀鸛鳥的機會感到非常高興。
(正譯)他為妻子即將生孩子感到非常高興。
17.Archibaid was a whale at fishing in his young days。
(誤譯)阿奇比德年輕時捕魚捕到了一條鯨魚。
(正譯)阿奇比德年輕時擅長捕魚。
18.Is there a world of difference between Kenneth and Louie?
(誤譯)肯尼斯和路易是生活在不同的世界嗎？
(正譯)肯尼斯和路易之間有極大的不同嗎？
19.The ABC hopes to settle in China。
(誤譯)那個美國廣播公司希望在中國設立公司。
(誤譯)那個在美國土生土長的華裔希望在中國定居。
20.Bruce was taken up above the salt。
(誤譯)布魯斯坐在鹽上。
(正譯)布魯斯被請坐上席。
21.These commercial transactions are aboveboard。
(誤譯)這些商業交易是在船上進行的。
(正譯)這些商業交易是光明磊落的。
22.Colin is absent in Shanghai。
(誤譯)科林現在不在上海。
(正譯)克林去上海了，不在這里。
23.I only use Accent for soup。
(誤譯)我只須強調做湯。
(正譯)我只在做湯時加味精。
24.We should call him Adam。
(誤譯)我們應該把他叫做亞當。
(正譯)我們應該叫他的名字。
25.Donna can sing after a fashion。
(誤譯)唐納能唱時代歌曲。
(正譯)唐納多少能唱一些歌。
26.Her opinion is all my eye。
(誤譯)她的主張也完全是我的觀點。
(正譯)她的主張是胡說八道。
27.Bess ate all of six fruit cakes。
(誤譯)貝絲吃光了所有的六塊水果蛋糕。
(正譯)貝絲足足吃了六塊蛋糕。
28.All the world and his wife were so kind to Marlin。
(誤譯)全世界和他的妻子都對馬林這么好。
(正譯)人人都對馬林這么好。
29.Mr. Smith is an American China trader。
(誤譯)史密斯先生是一個美籍華裔商人。
(正譯)史密斯先生是一個做對華貿易的美國商人。
30.These youths are full of animal spirits。
(誤譯)這些年輕人充滿動物精神。
(正譯)這些年輕人充滿活力。
31.Jim is discussing anything under the sun with Paula。
(誤譯)吉姆和葆拉在陽光下討論問題。
(正譯)吉姆與葆拉海闊天空，無所不談。
32.Why is Merry like April weather?
(誤譯)為什么梅里好像四月天氣？
(正譯)為什么梅里喜怒無常？
33.The bank is open around the clock。
(誤譯)那家銀行準時營業。
(正譯)那家銀行24小時營業。
34.Bath Festival is just around the corner。
(誤譯)巴斯音樂節就在那個拐角周圍舉行。
(正譯)巴斯音樂節即將到來。
35.The child is as good as gold。
(誤譯)這個孩子像黃金那樣寶貴。
(正譯)這個孩子很乖。
英語笑話(8)
竭誠為您提供優質的服務，優質的文檔，謝謝閱讀/雙擊去除爆笑英語笑話小短文大全|英語笑話短文笑話是日常生活中人們消遣娛樂的一種常見語言現象,其目的在于在會話過程中傳遞和激發幽默感。小編分享爆笑英語笑話小短文，希望可以幫助大家! 爆笑英語笑話小短文：modernworldmorals Twobishopswerediscussingthedeclineinmoralsinthemodernworld. "Ididn"tsleepwithmywifebeforeIwasmarried,"saidoneclergymanself-righteously,"Didyou?" "Idon"tknow,"saidtheother."whatwashermaidenname?"爆笑英語笑話小短文：suspiciousrabbi Fathershaughnessyfoundhimselfnexttorabbiginsbergatacharityfunctionandcouldnothelpbutnoticethattherabbiwaspickingathisfoodasthoughhesuspecteditofbeinglessthankosher. smilingslyly,thegoodpriestwhispered,"come,rabbi,whenareyougoingtobreakdownandeatanicesliceofham?" "Atyourwedding,Father,"saidrabbiginsbergatonce.爆笑英語笑話小短文：TheendIsNear Apriestandpastorfromthelocalparishesarestandingbythesideoftheroadholdingupasignthatreads,"TheendisNear!Turnyourselfaroundnowbeforeit"stoolate!" Theyplannedtoholdupthesigntoeachpassingcar. "Leaveusaloneyoureligiousnuts!"yelledthefirstdriverashespedby. Fromaroundthecurvetheyheardscreechingtiresandabigsplash. "Doyouthink,"saidoneclergytotheother,"weshouldjustputupasignthatsays"bridgeout"instead?"爆笑英語笑話小短文：watchedbyjesus Aburglarbrokeintoahomeandwaslookingaround.heheardasoftvoicesay,"jesusiswatchingyou".Thinkingitwasjusthisimagination,hecontinuedhissearch.Againthevoicesaid"jesusiswatchingyou".heturnedhisflashlightaroundandsawaparrotinacage.heaskedtheparrotifhewastheonetalkingandtheparrotsaid,"yes."heaskedtheparrotwhathisnamewasandtheparrotsaid,"moses."Theburglarasked,"whatkindofpeoplewouldnameaparrotmoses?"Theparrotsaid,"thesamekindofpeoplewhowouldnametheirpitbulljesus".爆笑英語笑話小短文：Theconfession matthewgoesintoaconfessionalboxandsays"blessmefatherforIhavesinned,Ihavebeenwithaloosewoman." Thepriestsays"isthatyoumatthew?" "yesfather,itisI." "whowasthewomanyouwerewith?" "IcannottellyouforIdonotwishtosullyherreputation." Thepriestasks"wasitbrendao"malley?" "Nofather." "wasitFionamacDonald?" "Nofather." "wasitAnnbrown?" "Nofather,Icannottellyou." Thepriestsays"Iadmireyourperseverancebutyoumustatoneforyoursins.yourpenancewillbefiveourFathersandfourhailmarys." matthewgoesbacktohispewandhisbuddyseanslidesoverandasks"whatdidyouget?"matthewreplies"IgotfiveourFathers,fourhailmarysandthreegoodleads."爆笑英語笑話小短文：holygolf jesusandsaintpeteraregolfing.st.peterstepsuptotheteeonaparthreeandhitsonelongandstraight.Itreachesthegreen.jesusisupnext.heslicesit.Itheadsoverthefenceintotrafficonanadjacentstreet.bouncesoffatruck,ontotheroofofanearbyshackandintotheraingutter,downthedrainspoutandontoalillypadattheedgeofalake.Afrogjumpsupandsnatchestheballinhismouth.Aneagleswoopsdown,grabsthefrog.Astheeaglefliesoverthegreen,thefrogcroaksanddropstheball.Itsinthehole.saintpeterlooksatjesus,exasperated."Areyougonnaplaygolf?"heasks"orareyoujustgonnafuckaround?" 看了“爆笑英語笑話小短文” 的人還看了： 1.爆笑英文笑話小短文精選 2.關于英語笑話小短文大全 3.英語爆笑短文 4.英語笑話故事短文大全 5.英語版笑話
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英語笑話(9)
I"ve Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I"ve just bitten my tongue! "
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
“我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？”
“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn"t see the bird, ma" am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma"am, it just resembles your hair. "
.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。”
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I"m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt"s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here"s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."
"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"
"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.
"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
迪克年齡七歲，他的妹妹凱瑟琳五歲。一天，媽媽把他們帶到姨媽家去玩，自己就到大城市去買些新的衣服。
孩子們玩了個把小時，在四點半的時候，姨媽領著迪克走進了廚房。她交給迪克一塊精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并對他說：“喏，迪克，給你刀子，把這塊蛋糕一切為二，給你妹妹一塊。不過，你得記住要做得像一個紳士那樣。”
迪克問：“像一個紳士？紳士怎樣做呢？”
他姨媽馬上回答說：“紳士總是把大的一塊讓給別人的。”
迪克說了一聲“噢”。他對此想了一會，然后，他把蛋糕拿給妹妹，并對她說：“凱瑟琳，你來把這塊蛋糕一切為二吧。”
I"m Trying to Stop It
“I"m sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy"s tooth .”
“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“對不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個病人嚇跑了。”
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？”
“沒有，老師。可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進，一個耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
"I"ll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
hey Are Directly from America
Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ”
漢譯：
真美鈔
一位中國老婦人到美國去看望女兒回來不久，到一家銀行取存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認真仔細的檢查了每一張鈔票看，是否有假。這種做法使老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，是從美國直接帶來的。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That"s too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I"d know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？”
“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What"s the meaning of the word "Drunk", dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there"s only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest"s plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"且話僂蚰昴?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\"t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\"s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn"t his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎么樣？
母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個
可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
英語笑話(10)
小笑話
Cat and Mouse
A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat, but he’s afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he puts his ear by the opening and all he hears is “Bow Wow” so he thinks, “Well, there can’t be a cat out there because there’s a big old dog”. So he goes out of his mouse hole and is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says “It’s good to speak two languages!” 翻譯成漢語講，很有意思。
Where there is a will, there is a way.
Who washed Washington’s white
woolen underwear when Washington’s
washer woman went west?
Rainbow at night is the traveler’s delight;
rainbow in the morning, travelers take
warning.
傍晚出虹，明日放晴；清晨出虹，風雨送行。
Trick or treat.不給糖果就搗蛋（西方萬圣節的夜晚，孩子們會在敲別人家門時大聲喊這句話）
Deeds, not words. 要行動，不要空談。
中國學生的英語發音差點把老外嚇死。
一位剛到美國留學的中國小伙子寄宿在一位美國老頭家。一日，這位留學生想找房東借把刀（knife）把一根木棒砍斷，于是他匆匆拿著這根木棒跑到房東那里，由于他[n]和[l]不分，把“I want your knife.”念成了“I want your life.”結果把“我要你的刀”說成 “我要你的命。”嚇得美國佬差點沒有暈過去。
A fat cat is catching a fat rat.
有一位中國人去美國。遇到危險喊救命，“help”沒有人管，就是因為元音發的不飽滿。英語中元音是響音，所以要飽滿。
鄧小平單槍匹馬應付外國記者
鄧小平出訪美國，美各大報社記者都踴躍采訪，想一睹中國偉大的領導人的英姿。他們聽說中國領導人的英語水平都非常好，就都想試探一下。不巧的是當時小平身邊的一翻和二翻都不在（國家領導人都有幾個翻譯隨訪）（可能他們上廁所了），記者們就想讓小平出丑。就問小平問題，小平知道一點英語，這個問題是以“what”開頭。但老頭不敢冒然作答。老頭當時特別著急，左等右等，一翻和二翻也不回來，老頭就想“what”是“什么”，我第一次來美國，一般都會問“貴姓?” 老頭樂了，就回答：“我姓鄧”（鄧小平是四川人，帶一口濃厚的家鄉音，于是我姓鄧的四川音“Washington”.）其實記者問的問題是，“What’s the capital of America?”記者席下一片唏噓聲，大家紛紛點頭。老頭自信了。也樂了。這時，又有記者提問，仍然是以“what”開頭。老頭心想，剛剛他問了我姓什么，我說“我姓鄧”我答對了。按照常理推測就應該是我叫什么了。由于等不到翻譯，于是老頭回答“小平”記者們彼此看看，點頭表示贊賞。(小平此處來美是攜夫人和女兒的，于是記者文的問題是，“What are your wife and daughter doing now?” 老頭的回答是“shopping” 和他的名字“小平”很像。）
知道自己回答對了兩道題，老頭非常高興。心想這回不會在問我問題了吧。記者們看到鄧小平的英語水平，覺得難不倒他，于是他們就決定問他比較敏感的問題。當時海峽兩岸的關系非常緊張，于是決定問他有關政治的問題。他們就問道“Who is the leader of Taiwan?” 自己心思不會在問問題了，可是記者偏偏還問。害怕自己回答錯了，出丑，老頭就說了一句，“你等會。”配上自己的家鄉音，就是一個“李登輝”。記者們贊許的點點頭。小平同志又答對了。記者不依不饒又問道，“Who is going to the next leading after Li Denghui?”老頭等不到翻譯，記者還老問，讓他們“等會兒（登輝）”還不等，于是生氣了，說道，“隨便”，恰好是“陳水扁”的四川音。天下大事，無巧不成書。老頭一看形式，似乎他說“隨便”， 記者們還挺高興。心里想這外國人就是又意思，你生氣，他們還高興。當時正是美國實行“戰略導彈防御體系”的時候，所以記者就問小平，“美國的這個體系是什么？” 鄧小平當時非常生氣，也顧不上什么領不領導人了，于是就罵了一句，“TaMaDe”, 此語一出，頓時掌聲雷動，歡呼雀躍。記者們非常欽佩中國領導人的英語水平，紛紛豎起了大拇指。這是小平的一翻和二翻都回來了，他就和他們說，這老外還真特別，我罵他們，他們還對我豎大拇指，說“good good”.
英語笑話(11)
Look out/watch out
我想要一些英語簡單的小笑話，但是其中包括一些語法知識。例如像look out的小笑話（有一外國人在美國飯館吃飯，突然聽到有人喊 look out,他便向外看，這個時候一瓢水正好澆到他頭上，所有人都笑了，因為在英語中look out是當心的意思 而不是向外看）
A piece of cake
有一位大學生帶一位不會中文的老外在中國吃早點，他問老外吃什么，老外說A piece of cake.于是大學生什么也沒說就自己拿自己的食物去了，回來一看老外還站在原地，走上前去問原因，老外說Where is my cake?英語中a piece of cake 是小菜一碟的意思，也有一塊蛋糕的意思，大學生忽略了第二層意思， 鬧出的笑話令人哭笑不得。
Go a head
一個經理向老板報告：報告老板，下個月歐洲有一批訂單，我覺得公司需要帶人去和他們開會。”
老板在公文后面短短簽下：“ Go a head”。
經理收到之后，馬上指示下屬買機，擬行程，而自己整理行李。臨出發那天，被秘書擋下來。
秘書：“你要干什么？”
經理：“去歐洲開會啊！”
秘書：“老板怎么說？”
經理：“老板對我說Go a head”
秘書：“。。。。。。。。其實老板的意思是，去你個頭！”
媽：“兒子、兒子！來！‘It is too easy！’是啥？”
兒子：“‘這太簡單了’。”
媽媽：“簡單還不快說？”
兒子：“啊就是‘太簡單了’呀！”
媽媽：“你以為我不會打你吧？”
語畢，就將兒子教訓了一頓。
接著，媽媽又問：
“‘what’這字何解？”
兒子：“‘什么’。”
媽媽：“我說：‘what’是啥意思？”
兒子：“‘什么’！”
說完，媽媽又把兒子教訓一頓……
處罰完，媽媽又問：
“好，再問你，乖乖的告訴媽就沒事。”
兒子：“嗯U_U~。”
媽媽：“常常聽到人家說‘fuck’是啥意思？”
兒子：“（嗚）...”
I am sorry
三個人，在一起比試槍法，由一個黑人頂著某樣東西做為靶子。
第一個人在黑人的頭上放了一個蘋果，然后在距離10米遠的位置，抬手一槍就將蘋果打碎了，他吹了一下槍口說：I"m 佐羅！
第二個人在黑人的頭上放了一個櫻桃，然后在距離50米遠的地方，抬手一槍就把櫻桃打碎了，他吹了一下槍口說：I"m007
第三個人在黑人的頭上放了一粒芝麻，然后在距離100米遠的地方，抬手一槍就把那個黑人的頭打碎了，他也吹了一下槍口說：I"m sorry
An Out man
老師問小明：“一個在外面的男人用英語怎么說？”小明：“an out man（奧特曼）”老師一腳踹上去……
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
Monkey and flea
Q: What"s the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can"t have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Corn
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Snail
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Sleepwalker
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。
My little dog can"t read 我的狗不識字
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It"s no use, my little dog can"t read.
布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I"m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
-- 服務員， 這個龍蝦只有一只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
1.Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you all to answer at once. How much is 6 plus 4?
Student: At once!
老師：全班同學聽著，不管我問什么，你們都要馬上回答。6+4等于幾？
學生：馬上。
2.Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
顧客：來個熱狗。
侍者：很高興。
顧客：不要，加上芥末。
(注：英語中with pleasure是“很高興”的意思。這位顧客把pleasure當成調料了。怪不得他說不要pleasure,要芥末呢。)???
TOM"S EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 湯姆的借口 老師：湯姆，您為什么每天上學遲到？ 湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"
Bear
Mum (angrily): I cannot bear you. 我真受不了你！
Tom: you did bear me. 你確實生了我！
Adidas
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了
Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥 老師：這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？ 學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老師：請說說看。 學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
Newspaper and wife
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I"ll be in your hands all day. Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily the cost of marriageA little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? The father replied: I don "t know son. I "m still paying!!
英語笑話(12)
A：This time,money can be cost-efficient or not?
A：這次的錢會不會花得稍微值一點兒？
B：It is hard to say ！
B：很難說！
單詞：
conference 會議,討論會,協商會
cost-efficient adj.
有成本效益的,值得花錢的,合算的,劃算的
Saddam had weapons of mass destruction in 1990"s.
薩達姆在 90 年代有大殺傷性武器。
90% of the people considered: Saddam had weapons of mass destruction .
90% 的人認為薩達姆有大殺傷性武器。
Saddam had more than 90 kinds of weapons of mass destruction.
薩達姆有超過 90 種的大殺傷性武器。
Saddam had weapons of mass destruction ！
薩達姆有大殺傷性武器。
單詞：
weapons of mass destruction 殺傷性武器
mow：“Iraq declaration on weapons of mass destruction”。
草堆：《伊拉克關于大規模殺傷性武器的報告》
George Bush：look！what I found……a needle.
布什：看！我發現的東西……一根針！
單詞：
司機the Chauffeur
伊拉克總統薩達姆the president of Iraq
IRAQ：伊拉克，伊拉克共和國
前為美國總統布什，后為英國首相布萊爾：看著薩達姆這個大“獵物”。
The president of America：George Bush
The prime minister of Britain：Tony Blair
Look at this big quarry：saddam！
單詞
獵物：Quarry
pl.quar.ries;
A hunted animal;prey.
獵物被獵取的動物；獵物
—To adjudge Saddam
—審判薩達姆
—To rebuild Iraq
—伊拉克重建
單詞：
adjudge vt.
宣判,判定
判給,斷與,斷定
定...的罪,定...的刑
divert
轉移（注意力等）
America 美國
Italy 意大利
Britain 英國
Japan 日本
單詞：
hornet：馬蜂,大黃蜂類
evade：規避,逃避,躲避
Bush：jump！ jump！ jump！
布什：跳！跳！跳！
單詞：
cooperate：配合 合作 協作
?
Stan: What’s with the face?
Unknown: I’m an EMO.
Stan: EMO?
Unknown: It Stands for emotional. I’m an emotional sheep.
Stand for: 代表 emotional: 情緒化的
Stan: You strike me as more of a stupo.
strike me as: 【對我而言】 stupo: 【意指stupid】
?
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
把腳放進去
一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴里起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。“瑪麗！”老師嚴厲地叫她。“什么事，老師？”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把腳放進去。”
An American, a Japanese, a Chinese
An American, a Japanese, a Chinese expedition in the jungle. The results were captured by tribal cannibalism. Can be tribal chiefs, said: "I"m in a good mood today, do not eat you, but you have to pay one hundred board, but you can endure before the board to have a desire to achieve." Board is the first Americans to pay. He said: "before the board to pay, give me a seat bottom cushions." Pad stop, board-like falling rain; 合previous 70 boards, 70 boards were smashed after the cushion, and then is finished ... ...Antiaris , the United States left behind the old feeling. After seeing this, the Japanese asked the mattress 10. 1,2,3 ... 100 over, the Japanese rose,, all right; then the Zhang imitation of their capacity and ability to brag about a re-creation, and would like to sit while watching the show the Chinese people. Chinese people get on the ground slowly, carefree carefree said: "Come on, give me the Japanese mat."
一個美國人、一個日本人、一個中國人在叢林探險。結果全被吃人部落抓去了。可部落酋長說："我今天心情好，不吃你們，但你們都得挨一百板子，但在挨板子前你們可以有一個愿望實現。”先挨板子的是美國人。他說："挨板子前，先給我屁股墊上1個坐墊。”墊罷，板子雨點般落下；先前70板還湊合，70板之后坐墊被打爛，然后就是板板見血……打完，美國老摸著屁股走了。日本人見狀后，要求10個床墊。1、2、3…100打完，日本人起身，拍拍屁股，沒事；然后張著臭嘴對自己的模仿能力和再創造能力吹噓一番，并想坐一邊看中國人的好戲。中國人慢慢趴下，悠哉悠哉地說："來，把日本人給我墊上。”
英語幽默笑話之童真童趣
1. The buddy said to Tom, "I hear that it"s the safest sitting in the middle of the train. Once an accident occurs, both ends of the train get damaged worst."
伙伴對湯姆說：“我聽說坐在火車中間最安全。一旦發生事故，火車兩頭遭到的破壞最大。”
"Idiot! Why won"t they get rid of both ends of the train?"
“白癡！他們為什么不去掉火車的兩頭呢？”
2. "You"ll be pleased with me today, mother," said Dick to his mother, coming home from school. "I saved on fares. I didn"t go to schoolby bus but ran all the way after it."
“媽媽，你今天會對我滿意的，“放學回家后，迪克對媽媽說。“我省下了車錢。我上學時沒有乘公共汽車，而是一路跟著公共汽車跑。”
"Well," said his mother laughing. "Next time you should run after a taxi, you"ll save much more."
“噢，”她的媽媽笑道。“下次你應該跟在出租車后面跑，會省更多。”
3. The orchard-keeper spotted a little boy sneak into the orchard and climb an apple tree, so he raced over. "Little devil, what are you doing up on my tree?"
護園人發現一個小男孩偷偷鉆進果園，爬上了一棵蘋果樹，就迅速走了過去。“小家伙，你在我的樹上做什么？”
"Look here, sir, an apple fell off your tree, so I"m trying to put it up again!" the boy replied holding the apple in his hand.
“看這里，先生，一個蘋果從您的樹上掉了下來，所以我想把它重新掛上去！”小男孩舉著手里的蘋果回答說。
4. "Are you writing a thank-you letter to Grandpa like I told you?"
“你有沒有照我說的那樣給爺爺寫感謝信？”
"Yes, mama," replied Jane.
“有，媽媽，”簡回答說。
Your handwriting seems very large."
“你的字寫得好像很大。”
"Well, Grandpa"s deaf, so I"m writing it loudly."
“啊，爺爺耳聾，所以我要寫得大聲點。”
5. Son: "Dad, give me a dime."
兒子：“爸爸，給我一毛錢。”
Father: "Son, don"t you think you"re getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?"
父親：“兒子，你不認為自己漸漸長大，不應該總是一毛一毛地要錢嗎？”
Son: "I guess you"re right, dad. Give me a dollar, will you?"
兒子：“爸爸，我想你說得對。給我一塊錢，好嗎？”
教師節特別篇：我和老師的故事
Teacher: Where does God live?
老師：上帝住哪兒？
Student: I think he lives in our bathroom.
學生：我想他應該住我家浴室。
Teacher: Why do you say that?
老師：為什么這么說？
Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"
學生：因為每天早上我爸都猛敲浴室的大門喊：“上帝啊，你怎么還在里面？”
Teacher: How can you tell a hawk has good eyesight?
老師：為什么說鷹的視力很好？
Student: Because I have never seen a hawk wearing spectacles.
學生：因為我從沒見過哪只鷹戴眼鏡。
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?
老師：湯姆！約翰！你倆今天為什么遲到了！
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.
湯姆：老師，我一直在找我丟失的一美元硬幣。
Teachear: John, what about you?
老師：那么你呢，約翰？
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
約翰：老師，我不能動啊，我把他的硬幣藏腳底下了。
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
老師：你父親有沒有幫著你做作業？
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
學生：沒有，他是獨立完成的。
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
老師：西印度群島有哪些產物？
Student: I don"t know.
學生：我不曉得。
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
老師：怎么會不知道，你每天吃的糖哪兒來的？
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
學生：鄰居家借的。
Teacher: This is the fifth time this week that I have had punished you. What do you want to say?
老師：這已經是我本周第五次罰你了。想說點什么？
Student: Thank god Saturday and Sunday are holidays, Sir!
學生：還好禮拜六禮拜天不上課啊老師！
Teacher: Jimmy, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother"s. Did you copy his?
老師：吉米，你那篇關于“我的小狗”的文章和你哥哥寫的一模一樣。你是不是抄你哥的？
Jimmy: No, teacher, it"s the same dog!
吉米：老師，我沒抄襲。文章一樣是因為我們寫的是同一條狗啊！
Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn"t you?
Student: Not very much!
*這則就不翻譯啦，翻譯出來的話說不通。miss既有“錯過”的意思，也有“想念”的意思。老師問的是“你昨天沒來學校不是嗎？”，而學生理解成了“你昨天很想念學校不是嗎？”，因此回答“不太想！”
Tom: Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
湯姆：好消息，老師說今天不管下雨還是天晴我們都要考試。
John: So what"s great about that?
約翰：那有什么好高興的？
Tom: It"s snowing outside!
湯姆：因為現在外面在下雪！
*come rain or shine是指“不管發生什么情況”，相當于我們所說的“風雨無阻”。而湯姆以為是指下雨和天晴兩種情況下需要考試。
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
老師：為什么你一天里能犯那么多錯！
Pupil: I get up early!
學生：誰讓我起得早呢！
We Left Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: NOBODY HOME. DON"T LEAVE ANYTHING.
When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked（洗劫，掠奪） . On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
THANKS! WE HAVEN"T LEFT ANYTHING!
布朗太太要外出一天。 她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：家里沒人，請不要留下任何東西！
她當天晚上回家后發現房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發現被補充了一句：謝謝！我們什么也沒留下！
冰箱里的小兔子
?
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
一位女士打開冰箱門，發現一只兔子坐在其中的一層隔板上，就問它：“你在那里做什么？”
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn"t it?"
兔子回答：“這是Westinghouse對不對？”（Westinghouse，西屋電氣公司）
The lady confirmed, "Yes."
女士確認道：“沒錯。”
"Well," the rabbit said,"I"m westing."
兔子說：“那就對了，我就是要往西邊去。”
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?
兔子：你確信這瓶特制胡蘿卜汁能治好我的病？
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
醫生：當然咯，凡是喝過的兔子沒有一只來要第二瓶的。
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
兔寶寶：媽咪，我是從哪兒來的呢？
Mother Rabbit: I"ll tell you when you"re older.
兔媽媽：等你長大點再告訴你。
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
兔寶寶：噢媽咪，現在就告訴我吧，求您了。
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician"s hat.
兔媽媽：如果你一定要知道，那我告訴你你是從魔術師的帽子里被拽出來的。
Good news or Bad news?
An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.
"I"ve got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That"s wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."
以為藝術家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。
“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息。”店主回答。
“先告訴我好消息。”畫家要求道。
“好消息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死后增。我告訴他會的，然后他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。”
“那太棒了！”畫家驚嘆。“那么什么會是壞消息呢？”
店主想了想之后說：“問那個問題的是你的醫生”。
冷笑話6則帶翻譯
1）The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
新西蘭的氣候
老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣?
馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。
老師：錯了。
馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。
2）My Sister"s Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don"t see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren"t my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
我妹妹的手指頭
老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了?
凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。
老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀?
凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。
3）All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"
"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."
除了音樂
一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎?”
“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好。”
4）The plural Form of "Child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
"孩子"的復數形式
老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的復數形式是什么?
湯姆：男人們。
老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復數形式呢?
湯姆：雙胞胎。
5）When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人們什么時候說話最少?
學生甲：人們在什么時候說話最少?
學生乙：在二月。
學生甲：為什么呢?
學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
6）The Reason of Being Late
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, "School -- Go Slow".
遲到的原因
老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到?
約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校-緩行’。
圣誕老人的真實職業 Santa"s True Profession
Do You Know Santa"s True Profession?
Consider the following:
1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn"t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he"s the one who everybody credits with the work.
4. Santa doesn"t work a 40-hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.
Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
圣誕老人的真實職業是什么？
考慮以下幾點
1. 你其實從來沒見過圣誕老人，你看見的都是他得助手（他得助手真的好多，除了過圣誕節的所有父母外，還有職業“圣誕老人”）
2. 圣誕老人不想退休，就可以一直當他的圣誕老人。
3. 圣誕老人不會做實事，他都是指揮一堆幫手幫他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好還是不好，功績和責任都算圣誕老人的。
4. 圣誕老人實行的可不是朝九晚五雙休制。
5. 圣誕老人經常旅行
圣誕老人顯然是一個高級職員（please, 這世界上還有比他的工作更好的工作嗎？）
今年冬天冷不冷？
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
印地安人問他們的新酋長，這個冬天是冷還是溫暖。這位年輕的酋長從沒學過祖先那些本領，他只好吩咐他們去撿木柴，然后自己走到一邊去給國家氣象局打電話。
"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
“今年冬天會不會很冷？”他問。
"Looks like it," is the answer.
“看上去是這樣的。”他得到這樣的回答。
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again.
于是酋長要求大家收集更多的木柴。一個星期后，他又打電話給國家氣象局。
"Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"
“你確信今年冬天會很冷？”
"Absolutely."
“毫無疑問。”
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"
酋長隨即要求族人撿更多的木柴，然后再次給國家氣象局打電話：“你肯定嗎？”
"I"m telling you, it"s going to be the coldest winter on record."
“我告訴你，那將是有史以來最寒冷的冬天。”
"How do you know?"
“你怎么知道？”
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
“因為印第安人正發瘋似地撿木柴！”
【注釋】
1. 文中有句"Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"，這里的positive意思是“肯定的，確定的”，Are you positive就相當于Are you sure或者Are you certain，你確定嗎。可以回答"I"m positive.", "Absolutely.", "Definitely."等等。
2. on record的意思是記錄在案的，有記載的，所以文中這句"it"s going to be the coldest winter on record"意思就是“那將是有紀錄以來最寒冷的冬天。”我們再學兩個關于record的詞組：set/create/establish a record 創造記錄；hold/keep a record 保持記錄。
為抄近路走墓地
相信這個笑話的中文版大家都有聽過，今天我們來欣賞一下英文版好了~
The Cemetery Shortcut
為抄近路走墓地
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
萬圣節派對過后，兩男人圖個樂呵，打算抄近路穿過墓地回家。
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
走到墓地中央時，他們被從迷霧中傳來的“答、答、答”聲驚嚇到了。
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
正當兩人害怕得渾身顫抖時，他們看到是個老頭拿著鐵錘和鑿子，在一塊墓石上鑿著什么。
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口氣說，“你把我們嚇得半死啊，我們還以為遇上鬼了呢！那么晚了你在這里做什么？”
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
“那幫白癡！”老頭抱怨道，“他們把我名字拼錯啦！”
【注釋】
1. Just for laughs 這個俗語在不同情況下，它的意思略有不同。
其一，它可以解釋為：做某件事純屬為了高興，例如：
Come on and get your jacket -- let"s go out and have a couple of beers just for laughs.
來吧，穿上你的外套，我們到外面去喝兩杯啤酒高興高興。
另外，just for laughs 有時也可以指做愚蠢的事或有害的事，例如：
Just for laughs they tossed Mary in the swimming pool with all her clothes on. Then they found out she didn"t know how to swim.
就是為了開玩笑，他們把瑪麗連衣服帶鞋的整個扔進了游泳池，結果他們發現，瑪麗根本不會游泳。
2. 笑話中出現了一個"Holy cow"，它是什么意思呢？來看維基上的解釋："Holy cow!" is an exclamation of surprise used mostly in American and Canadian English. 原來它是一個表達驚訝的感嘆詞，多用于美國和加拿大。
廣告很“有效”
The Effectiveness of Advertisement
廣告的效力
Some businessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view.
一群商人正熱烈地討論在電視上做廣告。他們中沒有人做過，所以每個人都有自己的想法。
At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. Grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement.
此時，格雷先生進來了。格雷是一個汽車經銷商，他曾經做過一次廣告。
"What are you talking about?" Mr. Grey asked.
“你們在討論什么？”格雷先生問。
"Does advertisement work or not?" one of the businessmen asked.
“廣告有用不？”其中一位商人問。
"Oh, yes, it works very fast," Mr. Grey said. " I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $100."
“噢，有用，而且見效非常快。”格雷先生說，“我曾經發布了一條廣告，要招聘一個值班員，報酬是100美金。”
"Did you get the dog back?"
“你招聘到人了嗎？”
"No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen."
“沒，但是那個晚上我的三輛車被偷走了。”
【注釋】
笑話中出現了come by這個詞組，我們來學習一下它的兩種意思：
1. pay a visit 來訪，拜訪
例：I"ll come by after work and see if you need any help. 我下班后會再來拜訪，看看你有什么需要幫忙的地方。
2. acquire 獲得，得到
例：A good assistant is hard to come by. 要得到一個好助手很困難。
Comment: 保安沒招來，倒把賊招來了！所以說有錢這件事還是不要“廣而告之”為好
納瓦伙族人給月球的訊息
Navajo Message For The Moon
納瓦伙族人給月球的訊息
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
在美國國家航天局準備阿波羅航天計劃時，他們讓宇航員們去亞利桑那州納瓦伙族保留區進行訓練。某天，一位納瓦伙族老人和他兒子遇見正在巖石間穿行的航空工作人員。
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
老人問了航天局人員一個問題，但他只會說納瓦伙族語，兒子幫他進行了翻譯：
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
“這些穿著厚重衣服的家伙在干嘛？”
One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
一個宇航員說他們正為去月球進行訓練。當兒子傳達給老人后，老人非常興奮地問道能否請宇航員們為他向月球傳遞一條訊息。
A NASA official said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder"s comments were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. But he refused.
航天局官員回答：“當然可以啦！”并吩咐下屬拿來錄音機。老人的留言非常簡短，航天局官員問老人的兒子可否告訴他們老人說了什么，但他拒絕了。
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. The translator relayed the message:
最后，他們請來了一位政府翻譯員，他轉述道：
"Watch out for these fellows! They have come to steal your land."
“小心這些家伙！他們來搶你們的領土了。”
最后再附贈一張好玩的告示牌圖片：
真貼心啊，還為你指引去月亮的路！
英語笑話帶翻譯5則
1）Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老師:為什么你每天早晨都遲到?
湯姆:每當我經過學校的拐角處,僦看見一個牌子仩寫著"學校---->
英語笑話(13)
英語小笑話
作者：
來源：《青少年日記·小學生版》2009年第06期
????????（1）Teacher： Tom， why are you late for school every day？
????????Tom： Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, “School-Go Slow”。
????????老師：湯姆，您為什么每天上學遲到？
????????湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"
????????（2）Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches。When Tommy came back,mother asked him,“Did you buy a good box of matches？”
????????“Yes，Mum。”Tommy replied，“I have tried them all。”
????????媽媽讓湯米去馬路對面的商店里買一盒好用的火柴。湯米回來后，媽媽問他，“你買的是好用的火柴嗎？”
????????“是的，媽媽。”湯米回答，“我把它們都試過了。”
????????（3）Teacher： Wht can fishes only live in the water？ Jack： Because there are lots of cats on the ground。
????????老師:“為什么魚只能生活在水中？”
????????杰克：“因為陸地上有許多貓。”
英語笑話(14)
I don’t feel like getting into an argument
“Gerald,” asked the teacher, “What is the shape of the earth?”
“It’s round,” answered Gerald.
“How do you know it’s round?” continued the teacher.
“All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “I really don’t feel like getting into an argument about it!”
我不想爭論
“杰拉爾德，地球是什么形狀？”老師問道。
“是圓。”杰拉爾德回答。
“你怎么知道是圓的？”老師又問。
“好吧，那就是方的吧，我真是不想和你爭論這件事！”他回答。
Three reasons
Teacher: Stone, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round.
Stone: Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so!
三個理由
老師：斯通，說出三個理由來證明地球是圓的。
斯通：媽媽這么說，爸爸這么說，你也是這么說的。
I had a bad tooth
Teacher: Marion, why weren’t you in school yesterday?
Marion: I had a bad tooth, miss.
Teacher : Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Is it better now?
Marion: Dunno, miss. I left it with the dentist.
我牙疼
老師：瑪麗恩，你昨天怎么沒來上課？
瑪麗恩：老師，我昨天牙疼。
老師：噢，真可憐。現在好點了嗎？
瑪麗恩：我不知道，我把它留在牙醫那里了。
The dean’s words
Student A: If the dean doesn’t take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.
Student B: What did he say?
Student A: He told me to leave college.
院長的話
學生甲：如果院長不收回他今天早上對我說的話，我就離開學院。
學生乙：他說了什么？
學生甲：他要我退學。
Guessing a riddle
Teacher: Boys, I have a riddle to ask you: Something wearing beautiful feathers, and it can wake you up every morning. What is it, Tom?
Tom: A feather duster, with which father wakes me up every morning.
猜謎
老師：孩子們，我有個謎語要你們猜：有一種東西，渾身都是漂亮的羽毛，每天早晨它能叫你起床。那是什么東西，湯姆？
湯姆：雞毛撣子，爸爸每天都用它叫我起床。
Writing a composition
One day in a class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition--If I am a manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
寫作文
一天在課堂上，老師要同學們寫一篇作文：《如果我是經理》。所有的學生都動筆了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他問什么不寫。
“我在等我的秘書。”那個孩子答道。
An abstract drawing
One day in a drawing class, the teacher told the class to draw an abstract drawing.
And a while, a small boy turned his drawing in. The teacher looked at it but saw nothing, only a piece of white paper.
“What did you draw?” said the teacher.
“A cow eats grass,” the boy answered.
“Where is the grass?”
“The cow has eaten it up,” replied the boy.
“Well, but where is the cow?” the teacher asked again.
“It ate up the grass and then went away to drink water.”
一幅抽象畫
有一天，在美術課堂上，老師要同學們話一幅抽象畫。
過了一會兒，一個小男孩交了他的作品。老師看了看，可是上面什么也沒有，只不過是一張白紙。
“你畫的是什么呀？”老師說。
“牛吃草。”孩子道。
“草呢？”
“牛把它吃光了。”孩子說。
“那么，牛在哪兒呀？”老師又問。
“吃完草，牛便喝水去了。”
An unexpected answer
Teacher: What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Pupil: Little elephants.
出乎意料的回答
老師：什么東西只有大象才有，其它動物都沒有？
小學生：小象。
A special football match
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, “Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream.”
“Why did it make you late?” inquired the teacher.
“Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time,” replied Mike.
特別的足球賽
麥克上學遲到了。他對老師布萊克先生說：“對不起，我遲到了，老師。我夢見一場足球賽。”
老師問：“那為什么會讓你遲到呢？”
麥克回答說：“因為兩個隊不分勝負，因此持續了很長的時間。”
Father ‘s John Hancock
Teacher: Tom, you haven’t shown your parents the examination papers, have you?
Tom: Yes, I have, sir.
Teacher: But I can’t find your father’s John Hancock on the papers at all.
Tom: Here, sir.（showing his whipped arms to the teacher.)
父親的親筆簽名
老師：湯姆，你沒有把你的考試卷給父母看，對不對？
湯姆：有啊，老師，我給他們看了。
老師：可是我上面根本沒有看到你父親的親筆簽名啊。
湯姆：在這里，老師。（湯姆向老師露出手臂上的鞭痕）
I don’t feel like getting into an argument
“Gerald,” asked the teacher, “What is the shape of the earth?”
“It’s round,” answered Gerald.
“How do you know it’s round?” continued the teacher.
“All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “I really don’t feel like getting into an argument about it!”
Three reasons
Teacher: Stone, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round.
Stone: Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so!
I had a bad tooth
Teacher: Marion, why weren’t you in school yesterday?
Marion: I had a bad tooth, miss.
Teacher : Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Is it better now?
Marion: Dunno, miss. I left it with the dentist.
The dean’s words
Student A: If the dean doesn’t take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.
Student B: What did he say?
Student A: He told me to leave college.
Guessing a riddle
Teacher: Boys, I have a riddle to ask you: Something wearing beautiful feathers, and it can wake you up every morning. What is it, Tom?
Tom: A feather duster, with which father wakes me up every morning.
Writing a composition
One day in a class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition--If I am a manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
An abstract drawing
One day in a drawing class, the teacher told the class to draw an abstract drawing.
And a while, a small boy turned his drawing in. The teacher looked at it but saw nothing, only a piece of white paper.
“What did you draw?” said the teacher.
“A cow eats grass,” the boy answered.
“Where is the grass?”
“The cow has eaten it up,” replied the boy.
“Well, but where is the cow?” the teacher asked again.
“It ate up the grass and then went away to drink water.”
An unexpected answer
Teacher: What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Pupil: Little elephants.
A special football match
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, “Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream.”
“Why did it make you late?” inquired the teacher.
“Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time,” replied Mike.
Father ‘s John Hancock
Teacher: Tom, you haven’t shown your parents the examination papers, have you?
Tom: Yes, I have, sir.
Teacher: But I can’t find your father’s John Hancock on the papers at all.
Tom: Here, sir.（showing his whipped arms to the teacher.)
我不想爭論
“杰拉爾德，地球是什么形狀？”老師問道。
“是圓。”杰拉爾德回答。
“你怎么知道是圓的？”老師又問。
“好吧，那就是方的吧，我真是不想和你爭論這件事！”他回答。
三個理由
老師：斯通，說出三個理由來證明地球是圓的。
斯通：媽媽這么說，爸爸這么說，你也是這么說的。
我牙疼
老師：瑪麗恩，你昨天怎么沒來上課？
瑪麗恩：老師，我昨天牙疼。
老師：噢，真可憐。現在好點了嗎？
瑪麗恩：我不知道，我把它留在牙醫那里了。
院長的話
學生甲：如果院長不收回他今天早上對我說的話，我就離開學院。
學生乙：他說了什么？
學生甲：他要我退學。
猜謎
老師：孩子們，我有個謎語要你們猜：有一種東西，渾身都是漂亮的羽毛，每天早晨它能叫你起床。那是什么東西，湯姆？
湯姆：雞毛撣子，爸爸每天都用它叫我起床。
寫作文
一天在課堂上，老師要同學們寫一篇作文：《如果我是經理》。所有的學生都動筆了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他問什么不寫。
“我在等我的秘書。”那個孩子答道。
一幅抽象畫
有一天，在美術課堂上，老師要同學們話一幅抽象畫。
過了一會兒，一個小男孩交了他的作品。老師看了看，可是上面什么也沒有，只不過是一張白紙。
“你畫的是什么呀？”老師說。
“牛吃草。”孩子道。
“草呢？”
“牛把它吃光了。”孩子說。
“那么，牛在哪兒呀？”老師又問。
“吃完草，牛便喝水去了。”
出乎意料的回答
老師：什么東西只有大象才有，其它動物都沒有？
小學生：小象。
特別的足球賽
麥克上學遲到了。他對老師布萊克先生說：“對不起，我遲到了，老師。我夢見一場足球賽。”
老師問：“那為什么會讓你遲到呢？”
麥克回答說：“因為兩個隊不分勝負，因此持續了很長的時間。”
父親的親筆簽名
老師：湯姆，你沒有把你的考試卷給父母看，對不對？
湯姆：有啊，老師，我給他們看了。
老師：可是我上面根本沒有看到你父親的親筆簽名啊。
湯姆：在這里，老師。（湯姆向老師露出手臂上的鞭痕）
英語笑話(15)
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That"s too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I"d know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發生了什么事？”
“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What"s the meaning of the word "Drunk", dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there"s only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest"s plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
好消息＆壞消息！
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I"ve got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That"s wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What"s the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
一名藝術家問畫廊老板,最近有沒有人對他展出的畫感興趣。“這有好消息和壞消息,”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨詢你的作品,他想知道在你死后你的畫會不會升值。我告訴他你的畫會升值,他就把你的15幅畫全都買走了。”
“真是太好了”,藝術家是喜形于色,“那壞消息是什么?”帶著關心的口吻,畫廊老板回答,“買畫的人是你的醫生”。
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary"s heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you"re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you"ve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he"s dead."
Mary replied, "He didn"t hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他們沿著醫院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潛到水底,把Jim拉了上來。
當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為后,他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室,“Mary,我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,這說明你的意識已經恢復了,你可以出院了。壞消息就是,Jim,你救的那個病人,他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”
Mary說:“他沒有自殺,是我把他吊起來好讓他晾干。”
Itworked真的有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn"t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That"s all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Tom早上老起不來,所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣,警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。于是,Tom去看醫生,醫生給了他一顆藥丸并告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆藥。Tom照醫生的話做了,睡得非常之好,事實上,他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來了。Tom從容不迫地吃完早餐,然后興高采烈地開車上班去了。
“老板”,Tom說,“那藥真管用,我的睡眠好極了!”
“是夠管用的,”老板說,“問題是,昨天你人哪去了”?
Lifeafterdeath死后重生
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother"s funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生嗎?”老板問他的一個員工。
“我相信,先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。
“哦,那還好”。老板接著說。
“你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后,她老人家到這兒看你來了。”
Businessjuststarted開張大吉
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I"ve come to activate your phone lines."
一個年輕人的公司剛剛開張。他租用了漂亮的辦公室,辦公室內還放上了古董作裝飾。這天,這位年輕人正在辦公室里面坐著,他看到一個男的走進了辦公室。為顯示他是個成功的老板,這位年輕的生意人拿起電話假裝正在談大買賣,張觜就是三、五個億,閉觜就說一切搞定、沒問題!好不容易電話“打”完,掛上聽筒,年輕人問進來的那人,“您有事嗎?”那人說,“有事,我是來給你開通電話的”。
你可以跟他們中任何一個結婚
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can"t do it because he"s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad"s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can"t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don"t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn"t really your dad."
一天,一個女孩把男孩子帶回家見父親,說要跟這個男孩結婚。她父親跟男孩談了一會之后,對她說她不能嫁給這個男孩,因為男孩跟她其實是同父異母的兄弟。之后,女孩又認識了另外四個男孩并一一帶回家見父親,請求父親同意他們結婚,但結果都是一樣,這些男孩竟然跟她都是同父異母!女孩真的是被氣壞了。她跟母親說,“媽,你這一輩子到底是怎么過的?爸爸在鎮上到處胡搞,現在我都談到第五個男孩了,但現在一個都不能嫁,因為他們最后都是跟我一個爸爸”!
女孩說完,她母親回答說,“親愛的,不用擔心,你可以跟他們中的任何一個結婚,你爸爸其實也,也不是你的親爹”。
Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.
She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.
She said that was too much and wasn"t there some other way to fix it?
The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"
She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I"m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it"s not going to work" replied her neighbor.
"Why not"? asked the first blonde.
"Because you"ve got to roll up the windows first"
調查員:What is your father"s name？
你父親叫什么名字？
小弟:Happy！！
高興！
調查員:What is your mother"s name？
你母親叫什么名字？
小弟:Smile！
微笑！
調查員:Are you joking？
你在開玩笑嗎？
小弟:No！！That"s my sister！！ I am Kidding！！
沒有，那是我姐姐的名字，我是哄騙
英語笑話
一、
Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?
Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother: That’s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.
媽
媽:弗雷迪,你的臉為什么那么紅?
弗雷迪:我剛才在大街上跑,為的是阻止一次打架?
媽媽:你做的對,誰和誰在打架.
弗雷迪:我和杰克·史密斯.
二、
A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. ’I’d rather not,’, the clergyman said, ’ I don’t want Him to know I’m here.’
一位著名牧師和他教區的幾位老人出席城外會議直到天黑才開完會，他們打算在回家前吃點東西。但很不巧只有一家名聲不好的下等酒吧烤菜館開著門。
飯后，一位老人要牧師祈禱。“我想我是免了，”牧師說。“我不想讓主知道我在這里。”
三、
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個城市里的游客來到一個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什么樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對農夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有什么意義?"
四、
4 - 4 = ？
One day, the teacher inquired of Peter:" How much is four minus four?" Peter was tongue-tied. The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?" "The hole," replied Peter.
四減四等于幾？
一天，老師問彼得：“4減4等于幾？”彼得張口結舌答不上來。老師生氣地說：“真笨！你想，我要是往你口袋里放四個硬幣，而你的口袋上有個窟窿，硬幣全漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里還剩下什么？”“窟窿，”彼得答道。
五、
Get the kid.
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,’Get the kid.’
這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，千萬別進退休社區。因為那里人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的干吧。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City"s Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？”
英語笑話(16)
Family problems…
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven"t even met once." We call this arranged marriage. I don"t want to marry a
woman whom I don"t love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I"ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father"s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father"s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father"s son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..
1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak
In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."
No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count.
at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."
數到一百再說
課堂上，老師背靠火爐站著，對學生們說：“說話前要三思，起碼數到50，重要的事情要數到一百。”
老師的話音剛落，學生立刻從“1”開始數起來。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老師，您的衣服著火了。”
2.The Advantage of Alcohol
In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"
The student answered,"It shows that people won"t get parasites if they drink more alcohol."
酒的好處
為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子里，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什么？”
學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”
3.Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf
Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?
Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.
Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won"t fall asleep?
Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.
把烏龜換成狼
老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？
小明：因為它睡覺了。
老師：對極了！我們應該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？
小明：把烏龜換成狼！
搞笑電腦問題大全：能幫我重啟網絡嗎？
Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.
Such as: "Why isn"t my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"
Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?"
Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"
Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:
-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the "any" key?"
-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"
-- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?"
-- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?"
-- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?"
Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer"s coffee-cup holder to come out again?"
Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks.
"These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said.
幫用戶解決電腦問題是電腦技術支持的主要職責，但有時用戶提的問題甚至把IT精英們都給難倒了。
比如：“為什么我的無線鼠標沒連在電腦上？”
再如：“能幫我重啟一下網絡嗎？”
還有人會問：“在哪能下載追蹤UFO的軟件？”
總部位于加州門羅園的“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司日前對美國各地的1400位公司IT主管進行了一項調查，讓他們列出公司的技術咨詢或支持部門所遇到的“最難回答”的問題。其中包括：
“電腦提示：請按任意鍵繼續。這個任意鍵在哪？”
“你能將鍵盤按字母順序重排嗎？”
“我女兒被鎖在浴室了，你能開鎖嗎？”
“能不能幫我查查明年的天氣預報？”
“能幫我在電腦上安裝有線電視嗎？”
還有一位用戶將光盤驅動器（CD-ROM）與一種杯架混淆了，問曰：“怎么把電腦上的咖啡杯架弄出來？”
“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司的執行官凱瑟琳?斯賓塞?李說，這些問題對于技術人員來說的確是個考驗。
她說：“技術人員在解答這些問題時，一定要有耐心，要理解用戶，還要有些幽默感。”
● Fresh Richer
A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)－filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．”
新 貴
一個新貴在墓葬品商店選購他死時要用的棺材，有人問他：“最好買哪一種？”他說：“鍍鋅的棺材當然比較耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。”
NOTE 注釋：
1. zinc n. 鋅 vt. 涂鋅于.
2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的
●
● The reds or the greens？
Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we"ll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？”
紅的還是綠的？
樹上的兩只蘋果俯瞰著世界。第一只蘋果說：“瞧瞧這些人吧，爭斗、搶劫、騷亂——似乎就沒有人愿意與別的人好好相處。總有一天，我們蘋果就會成為世上惟一的幸存者。到那時我們就將統治世界。”第二只蘋果回答說：“我們中的哪些呢——紅的還是綠的？”
本文無注釋
●
● You don’t have to pay for lightning
Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？
Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning.
閃電不用付錢
老師：誰能告訴我閃電與電的區別？
學生：閃電不用付錢。
本文無注釋
● H o n e s t y
A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．．
Man：What"s the problem，officer？
Officer：You were going at least ７５in a ５５zone．
Man：No，sir，I was going ６５．
Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going ８０．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．）
Officer：I" m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight．
Man：Broken taillight？I didn"t know about a broken taillight。
Wife：Oh Harry，you"ve known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．）
Officer：I" m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt．
Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car．
Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt．
Man：Shut your dang mouth。
Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma " am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？
Wife：No，only when he"s drunk．
誠 實
警官讓一位駕車的男士停下車。隨后出現如下的對話：
男士：警官，有什么問題？
警官：你在限速５５英里的地段開到至少７５英里。
男士：不，長官，是６５英里。
妻子：啊，哈里，你剛才開到８０英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。）
警官：我還要給你張罰單，你的尾燈碎了。
男士：尾燈碎了？你不說，我還真不知道尾燈碎了。
妻子：哦，哈里，幾個星期以前你就知道了。（男士又惡狠狠地瞪了她一眼。）
警官：我還要給你張傳票，你沒系安全帶。
男士：噢，你朝我車走過來的時候我才解開的。
妻子：啊，哈里，你從來都不系安全帶。
男士：閉上你的臭嘴。
警官：（轉向女士）夫人，你丈夫總是這樣跟你說話嗎？
妻子：不，只有當他醉了的時候。
本文無注釋
● He must have a computer
A mother was teaching her ５-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”
他一定有臺電腦
一位母親給她５歲的兒子講上帝。“你知道嗎, ”有一天她對他說, “無論一個人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睜大了眼睛看著他媽媽說, “哇。那他一定有一臺電腦。”
本文無注釋
● Nice Try
My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ”
The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald.
□by Peter Orphanos
嘗 試
我和妻子被警察攔住了，他給我們開一個超速的罰款單。我的妻子是一個發型設計師，于是她就對警察說，“如果你讓我們免于警告，我就為你免費理發一年。”
警察脫下他的帽子——他是一個光頭。
本文無注釋
●
● Who is Disgusting
First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．”
Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？”
First：“No．I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano．”
誰可惡
甲：“我家新搬來的鄰居好可惡，竟然深更半夜跑來猛按我家的門鈴。”
乙：“的確可惡。你有沒有報警？”
甲：“沒有。我當他是瘋子，繼續彈我的琴。”
本文無注釋
● Where the Declaration of Independence was signed?
Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？”
Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．”
《獨立宣言》是在哪兒簽字的？
老師：“誰知道《獨立宣言》在哪兒簽字的？”
學生：“我知道，我知道。是在那頁紙的底部。”
本文無注釋
● Driving car
Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．”
Susie：“That" s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．”
開 車
父親：“哎呀，我剛才違規右轉彎了。”
蘇茜：“沒事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也這么轉了。”
本文無注釋
●
● Humor
Mother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．”
Susie：“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terror．Just look at Grandma．”
幽 默
母親：“蘇茜，每次你表現不好，我就多長一根白頭發。”
蘇茜：“天哪，媽，那你肯定一直都表現很糟。看看外婆吧。”
本文無注釋
● Not Necessary To Answer
Teacher：“I have two questions，it isn"t necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？”
Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．”
Teacher：“How do you know it？”
Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．”
無 需 回 答
老師：“我有兩個題目，你若能答出第一題就不需答第二題。你有多少根頭發？”
學生：“１．２億根。”
老師：“你怎么知道？”
學生：“第二題不需回答。”
本文無注釋
● Now I can go home
One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I"ll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It" s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”
我 可 以 回 家 了
一天，放學以后，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當中的任何一個同學能回答我的第一個問題，我就準許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂涂，他非常生氣地問：“誰涂的？ 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見。”
● Don’t tell her
Two twins went to the kindergarten．“Who"s the elder and who"s the younger one？” asked a nurse．
One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don"t tell her．”
不 要 告 訴 她
兩個雙胞胎走進幼兒園。“你們兩個誰大誰小？”保育員問。
其中的一個眨了眨眼睛說，“哥哥，不要告訴她。”
●
● The Things Kids Say
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug． “I can" t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy"s room．”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4)．”
童言無忌
一個夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母親讓小男孩上床鉆進被窩。她正準備熄燈，孩子聲音顫抖地問：“媽咪，你今晚可以陪我睡嗎？”母親笑著，擁抱一下小孩安慰說，“親愛的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房間。”一陣長長的沉默之后，男孩小聲地用顫音說：“大膽小鬼。”
NOTE 注釋：
1. thunderstorm n. [氣]雷暴
2. tremor n. 震動, 顫動
3. reassuring adj. 安心的, 可靠的
4. sissy n. 膽小鬼
